You Don't See Me
by Nicolette1
Summary: **COMPLETE 8/10/02**B/S Fic. Buffy’s mean to Spike and he takes it but for how much longer? Post-Gone w/ spoilers for DT I think but whatever I took from that ep I changed and made it work for me.
1. Chapter One

**Part One**

****

…_she was floating through an expanse of soft, swirling colors feeling nothing and everything all at the same time. Gone was the pain and anger replaced by a feeling of infinite peace and tranquility.  Suddenly blackness began to descend on her bringing confusion and pain.  As the darkness grew the voices began calling out to her, pulling her from the perfection and her struggles were useless against the void.  She was falling…_

Buffy woke with a start.  The dream again.  The same dream that came to her every night since they had brought her back.  With a sigh she sat up and realized that she had fallen asleep on the couch.  Checking the time she found that it was only eight o'clock.  It felt later.  She would have to patrol tonight like she patrolled every night since coming back, it helped, sort of.  When she was fighting she wasn't able to think.  Being the Slayer required focus and if there was one thing that she could focus on right now, it was kicking evil ass.

The thud of footsteps sounded on the stairs.  Dawn.  Buffy knew that Dawn was angry and hurting but was unable to help her, she couldn't even help herself so how could she possibly hope to make this better for her little sister.  Buffy lifted herself off the couch and met Dawn at the bottom of the stairs. 

"Hey, Dawn.  Why are you all dressed up?"

"Buffy, don't you remember?  I'm going to a party with Janice.  You said it was okay."  Dawn's tone was slightly defensive.

"Right.  Party."  Buffy hadn't remembered.  "Where is this party?  Will there be boys?"  Buffy cringed hearing herself ask the question.  God, she was lame. 

"Buffy, I'm fifteen.  Boys and girls my age go to parties together all the time.  It's like required."  Dawn crossed her arms across her chest defiantly.  Definite attitude.

"Okay, fine.  But be home by midnight."  Was that too early or too late?

"Fine."  Dawn grabbed for the door.

"Oh and Dawn, no drinking and no-no smoking."

  
Buffy was talking to the empty doorway since Dawn was already at the car full of teenage girls that had pulled into the driveway.  Buffy continued to watch as Dawn climbed into the back seat and the car pulled away.

Leaning against the frame of the door she wondered if she was doing right by Dawn.  There seemed to be so many things that Buffy should be doing but she couldn't quite remember what they were.  Mostly she had hoped that time would make it easier but the level of difficulty kept climbing. 

"Oh, Mom.  If only you were here."  Saying out loud make it sound like a wish and maybe it was.  Pushing away from the door Buffy took the stairs two at a time to change her clothes and gather weapons. 

After changing into a pair of tight low-rise jeans and a brief black tank top she armed herself with an assortment of knives and stakes.  Buffy would have to tell Willow that she was leaving.  As she looked towards the door, Willow was already standing there looking pale and rumpled.

"Major slayage tonight, Buff?"

"Yeah.  Dawn went to a party and is supposed to be home at midnight, could you look out for her?  I'll try and be back in time but…" Her voice trailed off since there was really no need to say it.

"I know.  Sacred duty and all."  Willow took a deep breath.  "Buffy, I'm sorry.  I can't say it enough, how truly sorry I am."

"I know, Will.  I know and I want to help you through this.  We can do it.  Together."  Buffy somehow managed to smile encouragingly. 

"What about Dawn?  I don't think she can ever forgive me for what happened.  I don't even know if I can forgive myself."  Tears slipped down her pale cheeks and Buffy crossed the distance to put her arms around her friend.

"Time.  It is going to take a lot of time.  She'll come around eventually."  The words held an optimism that Buffy didn't feel.  Everything out of her mouth felt mechanical and insincere these days.  "Going now.  Patrolling.  Are you going to be okay, do you want me to call Xander or someone to keep you company?"

"No, I'll be okay.  I think I'm just going to rest."  

"Kay, Will, see ya."  

In a rush to escape, Buffy hurriedly grabbed her jacket and ran out the door.

It never failed to amaze Buffy how beautiful the night was.  The sky was brimming with stars that dazzled and blinked, occasionally catching fire and blazing a trail against the sky.  The midnight blues and purples mingled with the energy of the city to create a visual masterpiece of the landscape.  Inhaling deeply of the night air, Buffy headed in the direction of the cemetery.

As the familiar boundaries of the cemetery came into view Buffy couldn't suppress the chill that ran down her spine as she flashed back to the time when she was clawing her way out of her own coffin.  It seemed that the harder she tried for normal the farther away from it she got.  Maybe it was time to let go of the dream.  The one that had her in flowing cotton dresses watching small children play in the white picket fenced yard while she waited for her husband the accountant to come home for dinner.  Maybe.

Buffy was careful to stay on the outer edges of this particular cemetery in order to avoid a certain pain in the ass vampire.  Okay, maybe he wasn't always a pain in the ass, there were times when-.  No.  _I will not think about him.  Avoiding him yes, thinking about him no.  But as usual there was the small evil Buffy that insisted on playing devil's advocate.  Would it be so bad having him around?  Just to watch her back of course.  Not for anything else.  Nope just an extra pair of hands wielding a stake in the battle of good versus evil.  It would only take a couple of minutes to walk over to his crypt and ask for help with patrolling.  _

Oh God, what was she thinking?  Was she actually considering going to him?  Since the incident with the invisibility and him telling her to leave she swore to herself that she would never go back.  Never. 

Suddenly a figure jumped out from behind a tree and charged at her.  The sudden appearance of the vampire caught her off guard and he was able to send her sailing through the air to land on a mound of freshly turned earth.  Buffy recovered quickly and was back on her feet before the vampire had time to launch a second attack.  Slayer mode kicked in and the fight was on.

From his position a few yards away, Spike stood casually smoking a cigarette and watching the show.  He had known that she was in the graveyard; he could feel her as if she was standing in front of him.  He had waited, hoping that she was finally coming to him but after awhile it became obvious that she was avoiding him.  Annoyed with her, Spike told himself that he would not seek her out, he meant it when he said he wouldn't be her whipping boy.  The only problem was that he couldn't stop thinking about her and how it felt to hold her in his arms, how she responded to his touch.  And she did respond, more than anyone else he had ever been with.  The chemistry between them was addictive and dangerous and Spike liked nothing more than a little danger.  

Bloody hell.

Spike watched for a few more minutes to make sure that she could handle things and realized that she was only toying with the newborn.  Poor bugger.  Confident she could handle things, he turned and walked away.

Reaching into her jacket for a stake she decided to put the bad out of its misery.  One final kick to the vampire's chest sent it down hard and Buffy thrust the stake home.  Dust.

"Is that it?  Maybe they should try a selective breeding program.  Give me something to work with."  Buffy was beginning to grow bored with the lack of challenge presented in the recent vamp community.  It was getting too easy.  

Buffy brushed the dust and dirt off as best she could and made a cursory check for any of the dead vamp's friends.  All clear.  Time to move on.

As Buffy walked into the house she nearly collided with Willow who had been rushing towards the door. 

"Oh.  Sorry, Will."

"Buffy, Dawn never came home.  I was just on my way to go look for her.  I called Janice and her mom said that Janice had been home since eleven thirty.  She woke Janice up and she said that Dawn had gone home at the same time.  I'm worried Buffy what if something grabbed her?"  

"Don't panic, Will."  Buffy was trying to take her own advice.  Where could Dawn be?  "Stay here in case she calls or comes home.  I'm going to look for her."  Buffy shot out the front door.

Buffy remembered asking Dawn where the party was but Dawn hadn't given her an answer.  Instead she had distracted Buffy with attitude.  When she found Dawn she was going to kill her.

Spike was sitting in his favorite, well only chair, throwing back whisky straight out of the bottle. Since the Slayer show earlier he had been in a mood and was currently self-medicating in the hopes of purging the thought of her from his mind.  Spike didn't want to think of her soft hair or her beautiful eyes.  God, those eyes, sharp and direct making it impossible not to love her.  With a growl of frustration, he tipped the bottle back farther.  

A small knock sounded at the door.  It was her.  He had almost given up hoping that she would come.  Putting on his typical cocky grin he rushed to open the door.

"Just couldn't stay away, huh Sl-Oh.  Niblet.  Sorry I thought you were…uh someone else."  He should have known it wasn't her, he would have sensed her long before she got to his door.  Besides when had Buffy ever knocked?

"Who?"  Dawn looked nervous.  What was she doing here?

"Nevermind.  What are you doing here?  Does your sis know you're here?"  Better question, how much trouble was he going to get in for this.

"Maybe I shouldn't have come.  Its just-I don't know.  I-I'll leave now."

"And wouldn't I be the stupid one for letting you prance back out into the pitch all alone.  Come on now, get in so I can close the door.  Your letting in the fresh air."

Dawn walked inside the crypt and stood looking at the floor.  Spike couldn't help but feel for her seeing her so dejected.

"Come on now, tell ol' Spike what's wrong."  Glancing down at the arm still in a sling Spike would hazard that he knew exactly what the problem was.  Take one mostly dead sister and add a witch on the wrong side of magic and voila-one twisted little sister.

"Wrong?  Nothing is wrong.  Nothing, that is-except everything."  Tears welled up in her eyes.  "Please don't tell Buffy that I was here.  She would be so angry.  It's just I couldn't go back there.  To that house with Willow in it."  The tears spilled down her cheeks unchecked.

"Sorry, pet.  Tough times and all.  Well, you're gonna have to go home sometime.  Big sis is probably out shakin' down the local demon haunts lookin' for ya.  She'll be worried."

"No she won't.  She doesn't even notice me when I'm standing in front of her so how could she even tell if I was gone.  It's all about Willow getting all bad with the magic and Giles with the leaving.  Can't I just stay here?  With you?"  Here eyes pleaded with him to acquiesce to the impossible and as Spike looked into those melting brown eyes he wanted nothing more than to make everything all right for her.  

"Look, lil' bit-"

Spike was interrupted by the arrival of the fore mentioned slayer kicking through the front door.

"Spike, Dawn's missing, has she come by-Dawn!  Where have you been?  I've been looking all over for you and why are you here?  With Spike?"  She folded her arms across her chest waiting for an explanation.

"Now, Slayer."  Spike could see the anger and worry on her face.  "The chit's fine so there's no need to get yourself in a huff."

"Mind your own business, Spike!  Dawn, answer me."

Dawn turned to face her sister defiantly.  "No.  I'm not answering you, just go away and leave me alone!"

"Leave you alone?  Dawn, what is with you?  I am not leaving you alone and I am especially not leaving you alone here.  With him."  Buffy pointed at Spike just to make sure everyone knew to whom she was referring.  "Look, Dawn we can discuss this later.  Let's just go home now.  Okay?

"No not okay.  Nothing is okay."

"Dawn, what do you want me to do?"  Buffy was at a loss.  She couldn't just throw Dawn over her shoulder and carry her home.  Could she?  Buffy was feeling the weight of fear and frustration settling in and all she wanted was to go home. 

"Oh, bloody hell!  Dawn's mad cuz you let Willow the Wicked Witch of Sunnydale, stay at the house."  Spike was growing impatient with the two sisters and irritated at the slayer for her treatment of him. 

Buffy glared in Spike's direction before turning her attention back to Dawn.  "Is that true, Dawn?"

"Maybe."  Dawn stared defiantly at the ground her hands balled into fists at her side, unconsciously mirroring her sister's stance.

"Dawn, Willow made a mistake.  A huge, messy mistake but she's sick and I can't just throw her out on the streets.  I have to try and help her through this.  You have every right to be mad, Dawn, at Willow and at me.  We let you down."  Buffy took a step towards her sister.  "Please, Dawn, let's go home.  It's late and we can discuss this after sleeping.  Much sleeping."

Spike saw the circles under Buffy's eyes and wondered if she had been able to sleep at all.  Shortly after her Lazarus routine he knew that sleeping was a problem but was it still?  He felt a tightening in his chest at the thought of her being in distress and he wanted to go to her and wrap his arms around her.  But he resisted the impulse since he wasn't feeling the least bit suicidal tonight.

Spike watched as Buffy hesitantly reached a hand out to Dawn.  "Dawn, we'll work this out I promise."

Ignoring the offering, Dawn stalked out of the crypt after a final pained look in Spike's direction.  After a brief hesitation, Buffy moved to follow her sister.

"Slayer."  Buffy stopped at the door but kept her back to him.  "She's hurtin' bad and she's afraid of what could happen if Red continues on like this.  I've seen some nasty witches in my time.  The lure of black magic is seductive and more addictive than any drug.  Be careful."

Buffy glanced at Spike over her shoulder, ice shooting out of her hazel eyes.  "If I wanted your advice, I would ask for it.  And make no mistake about it, I won't be asking.  We don't need _your help."  _

Spike watched her walk out, leaving him with the urge to hurt her.  Instead he grabbed the nearest object, which happened to be a nearly empty bottle of whiskey, and hurled it across the room finding little satisfaction from seeing the glass explode into a thousand tiny pieces.

"Bitch!"  

Buffy and Dawn walked into the house and found Willow sitting on the stairs with the phone in her hand.

"Oh Dawnie!  I-I'm glad your home and-and safe."  Willow smiled hesitantly at Dawn.

"Whatever."  With that, Dawn ran up the stairs to her room and a few seconds the door slammed.

Buffy saw Willow cringe at the sound and felt anger at her sister flare to life.  She understood why Dawn was angry but she was going to have to find a way to deal.  Somehow.

"Sorry, Will."  And Buffy was sorry, sorry she couldn't fix them or herself. 

"I-It's okay, Buff.  Time and all that, right?  Maybe one day…" Willow was trying to be hopeful.  "I was just about to call Xander when you walked in.  I was worried.  So, where was Dawn?"

Wanting to avoid the subject of Spike, Buffy dodged the question.  "I think I should go up and talk to her.  I've been avoiding this long enough.  Maybe I can get her to open up a little."

"That's good, Buffy.  I think I'm gonna go to bed now.  G'night."  Willow made haste back to her room.

Squaring her shoulders Buffy followed them upstairs and headed straight into the lion's den to face one very pissed off teenager.

Opening Dawn's bedroom door she found the girl sitting on the edge of her bed clutching a funny looking stuffed animal to her chest.  Buffy sat next to her and took it as a good sign that Dawn didn't jump and run away or start yelling.

"I know that things have been difficult with mom dying and then me-well dying too, but we have to help each other.  I know that our lives have changed drastically and all I can say is that it will take some time to get back to normal." 

Dawn looked at Buffy incredulously, "_Normal?  When have we ever been normal?  I'm not even a real girl!  How can you say that things will be normal or that we ever were?"  _

"Dawn that's not the point.  I admit that our family is not usual but we can be normal people.  Normal people with extraordinary crap happening to us but still normal and I want you to help me.  I'm not as good as mom or even close really but all we have really is each other and I want us to be okay.  I know your angry with Will and so am I but are you going to stay like that forever?  Is it even possible for you to try and forgive her?"  Exasperation colored Buffy's tone.

"I'm mad at you." Dawn's voice was barely audible but thanks to super-slayer hearing Buffy was able to hear her.

"I know."

"Buffy you've changed.  And I know that everyone says that it is to be expected and to give you time but I don't like it.  It scares me."  Her voice cracked under the pressure of her emotions and Buffy felt her throat constrict.  

"Dawn we're gonna have to deal with this and find a way to get past it.  If we don't it will only get worse.  I can't even tell you how I wish that none of this had ever happened and that none of us had to be hurting but it did and we are."  Buffy gently grasped Dawn's chin and turned her to meet Buffy's eyes.  "Find a way, Dawn."

"I love you Buffy but I can't get over being angry with you or Will."  Buffy smoothed the hair off Dawn's face and gave her a sad smile.

"You will Dawn, you are going to have to try.  Okay?"

After a moment Dawn nodded and they sat both lost in their private thoughts.  

"So, what is that fuzzy thing you're holding?  I've never seen it before."  Buffy ran a finger over its soft purple fur.

"Oh.  This.  Spike gave it to me after you di-left."  Dawn's lips curved up in a smile at the memory.  "I was having nightmares all the time so he gave me this and said that it was so disgustingly cute that it would scare all the nasties away."

"He probably stole it from some poor little kiddie."  Buffy said derisively.

Dawn looked stricken.  "Buffy, why do you hate Spike again?  I thought you two were finally getting along ever since you came back.  Now he never comes over and when he is around you're a total bitch to him."

"Dawn, he's evil and-and bad."  Buffy knew the argument was weak but it's not like she could explain her relationship with Spike to a fifteen-year-old.  No, not relationship.  Sick, sordid, mind-blowing sex, yes.  Relationship not so much.

"When you were gone he kept me company.  He listened to me when I was sad and missing you and mom, he watched over me when I was scared.  We played cards and watched tv.  Spike was my friend and now I never get to see him."  

"You had Willow, Tara , Xander and Anya too, Dawn.  I know that they took care of you."

"Yeah, but with Spike it was different.  He didn't have school or jobs, he had time for me.   Spike told me that he made you a promise that he would take care of me and keep me safe and he did that.  Please don't be mad at him anymore.  Whatever he did, I know he's sorry."

Buffy felt a twinge of guilt at her earlier treatment of Spike.  Maybe she was being too hard on him.  Maybe.

"Dawn, I'm glad that Spike was there for you but things are…complicated, okay?  It's late.  Get some sleep."

Dawn yawned and got up to get ready for bed.  With a smile Buffy walked to the door,  "This was good right?  Talking I mean.  We should do more of it."

Dawn nodded and Buffy, satisfied that they had managed to forge a shaky truce, walked out of the room closing the door behind her.

TBC…


	2. Chapter Two

**Part Two**

The next morning came and Buffy was feeling the strain from lack of sleep.  All night she had tossed and turned, unable to calm her chaotic thoughts.  Looking at the clock she saw that it was barely seven and got up to fix Dawn breakfast.  This was something that Willow and Tara had done for Dawn to help establish a routine while Buffy was dead and it had continued after her return.  Now that Tara had moved out and Willow was out of sorts, the task fell to Buffy.  It was not one she enjoyed, mainly because she couldn't cook but also because it reminded her of everything that was wrong with her world.  

  
Buffy looked up as Dawn entered the room,  "Dawn, I cooked you breakfast.  Well actually I toasted you breakfast.  Frozen waffles.  Yum."  She tried to smile cheerily at her sister. 

"Thanks."  Buffy noticed that Dawn didn't appear much happier than the last time they spoke.  Logically it was going to take time but Buffy was never big with the patience.

They sat in silence for a few minutes and Buffy noticed that Dawn was more fidgety than usual.  Something was working in her head.  
  
"Okay, Dawn, spill it."

"What?"  Dawn kept her head down and shoved a forkful of waffles in her mouth.

"I can tell that you want to say something so just say it.  I can take it."  Buffy put on her most encouraging I'm-your-sister-and-also-your-friend face hoping to coax Dawn into speech.

Dawn hesitated briefly before saying in a rush, "Buffy, I did some thinking last night and I decided that-well, I want to see Dad."  Dawn had yet to raise her eyes to meet those of her surprised sister.  Buffy hadn't known what to expect but Dawn's desire to see their absentee father was not even in the ballpark. 

"Oh.  Okay, I'll call him and see if he can come down next weekend.  How's that?"  Buffy smiled reassuringly but doubted that their father would have the time for them.

"No.  What I mean is I want to go to L.A. and spend a week with Dad."  She finally looked at Buffy.

"But, Dawn, what about school a-and your friends and-" Dawn cut her off.

  
"Buffy, I am getting good grades and I am all caught up on my class work.  Dad can call my teachers on Monday and ask them for any work I might miss.  It will work out, I can study while Dad's at work, just like school.  Except I won't be in a school building and there won't be any teachers but I'll be doing homework, so it will kinda be like a school type thing.  Please Buffy."

Seeing the pleading look on Dawn's face, Buffy didn't wan to deny her this but she also didn't want to let Dawn go so far away from her.

"Why now, so suddenly?"  Buffy knew the answer but she wanted to hear Dawn say it.

"I just need some time away.  From Willow. A-and you.  Don't be mad Buffy but I really think that this will be good for me."

Buffy looked at the floor trying to conceal the hurt that Dawn's words caused.  For the gazillionth time she wondered if she was making the right choice letting Willow stay.  Softly, "What about Dad?  He is so busy, maybe he won't have time to spend with you."

"I talked to Dad last week and he told me that whenever I wanted I could come down.  You too."  From the look on Dawn's face it was clear that she was hoping Buffy would opt out.  And she would.  She couldn't handle any serious discussions with her father right now.  Maybe she never could.

"I guess it's okay."

Dawn's face brightened.  "Thank you , Buffy, thank you."  She jumped up, her half-eaten breakfast forgotten, and hurried to the front door.

"Wait!"  Buffy called, "I'll call Dad and make sure that it's okay and I'll ask Xander and Anya if they will drive you to the bus station.  Where are you going?"

Dawn was mostly out the door when she turned and said, "I'm going to the mall with Janice, her mom just pulled up in the driveway.  See ya!"

Buffy stood staring after her for a minute before moving back into the kitchen for dish duty.

"Xander make sure that you and Anya stay with Dawn until her bus comes. Oh and watch to make sure that she actually gets on the bus."  After a stiff and formal conversation with her father Buffy was not feeling any better about sending Dawn out to L.A. but realized that this was not her decision.   Now standing with Xander and Anya as they prepared to take Dawn away Buffy felt empty and alone.

"I'm sure that we can handle it, Buffster. It's not like we had planned on pushing her out of the car as we drove by."  Xander tried to affect a wounded look and failed miserably.

"Oh, and I'll pretend that she's money.  That way I know that I won't lose sight of her."  Anya was smiling widely.

"I'll be okay, Buff.  I can get on a bus by myself."  Dawn shifted impatient to be on her way.

"Call me when you get there.  And if for any reason you want to come home early call Xander to come get you."  

Xander put his arm around Buffy and gave her a gentle squeeze.  "She'll be fine, Buff.  No worries, our little Dawnie is a trooper."

"Thanks again for doing this."

Buffy watched them walk to the car, gave one last wave and slowly walked back into the house.  Willow was coming down the stairs.

  
"Dawnie got off okay then?"  Willow didn't look any better than the day before and Buffy felt alarmed.  How long was Willow going to be in this funk?  
  


"Yeah.  She just left with Xander and Anya.  Will, how are you doin'?  Do you need anything?"

"Don't be so nice to me, I don't deserve it."  Obviously Willow was having a difficult time of it today.

"Of course you do. Do you want me to stay in with you tonight, maybe watch the tube and eat chips till we swell up and explode from all that salty goodness?"

Willow offered a wan smile.  "No that's okay, you need to patrol.  Besides, my parents called and they want me to join them for dinner.  I usually find an excuse but they refused to take one this time, so I'm off to do my daughterly duty."

"Okay, Will."  Buffy hugged her friend and tried not to let her relief show.  "Remember, if you need anything, just let me know."

"I will, Buffy, thanks."  Willow turned and headed back upstairs.

The burden of worrying about Dawn had now increased but at the same time it felt as if a weight had been lifted now that she was gone.  It wasn't that Buffy didn't want to take care of Dawn, she was completely committed to it, but the break would be nice.  It would give Buffy a chance to think about things.  Spike things.  Buffy needed to find a way to make peace with Spike and herself.  It was unfair to have it upset Dawn.  At least that is what she tried to convince her self of as she made her way to Spike's crypt.

"Spike!  Are you here?"  Buffy crashed through the door with her usual flair but had yet to find Spike.

Buffy realized that Spike wasn't in the crypt, if he were she would have _felt him.  Her senses were always attuned to the vampires but since she and Spike had become intimately involved her intuition had become stronger in relation to this particular vamp.  When Spike was near his essence flooded over her, cool and sensual and like nothing that she had ever experienced before.  The metaphysical link to Spike was just another reason she had for running from him.  It was just too much for her right now._

Buffy felt deflated.  She had hoped to get this over with as soon as possible and had taken the entire day to work up all the courage she could muster for this necessary confrontation.  So she decided that she would wait for his return.

  
Buffy sat in Spike's chair inhaling the familiar scent of Spike.  All smoky and something else, something that was all male.  Buffy relaxed and sank farther into the chair, closing her eyes and breathing deeply.  Unbidden the memories came.  Spike holding her against his hard body whispering words of sex and love both struggling to control and possess the other.  

"Well, Goldilocks, looks like someone's been sittin' in my chair."

The sardonic voice jolted Buffy from her reveries and unnerved that he had caught her off guard, Buffy immediately jumped to the defensive.

"Where have you been?"  Her voice was harsh, more so than she had intended.

"Oh, I'm _sorry.  Wasn't aware that I had a standing appointment for an ass kickin' from the Slayer tonight."_

Spike was standing in the doorway looking pissed off and incredibly sexy.  God he was hot, no matter what mood he was in.  Buffy shook her head and tried to focus on the reason she had come here.

Buffy's tone softened, "Spike I didn't come here to fight."

"Then you shouldn't have come, cuz I'm just itchin' for one."  Spike's lips widened into an arrogant grin, "Or maybe you came by here hoping for a rousing fuck from your pet vamp."

"NO!  Spike, I need to talk to you."  Buffy hated it when he put the walls up and what she hated more was that she was the cause of it more often than not.  "I came here to a-apologize." 

"Whoa.  The Slayer makin' nice with the likes of me.  Try not to choke on it or better yet, do."

"Spike, cut the crap!  This is hard enough as it is, the least you could do is make it a little easier on me by not being such a prick."  As soon as the words were out she immediately regretted them.  One day she was going to have to gain control of her mouth.

"_Easier?  That's rich comin' from you!  You've done your level best to ride my ass at every opportunity.  Now you're standing in my house, which you came into without permission, asking me to take it easy on you!  You really are amazing."_

Okay, she deserved that.  Sorta, but she wasn't done trying to talk to him.  She tried again, "Please, Spike."

Spike looked at her, sitting in his chair, and found it nearly impossible to keep his emotions at bay.  She was beautiful, she was stubborn and his natural born enemy and by some cruel twist of fate he had fallen in love with her.  Deeply.

"Fine.  Say whatever you came to say and then go."

Buffy watched him walk into the room, closing the door behind him, to sit on the bier facing her.  "Well?" he said, "Are you just going to sit there staring or are you gonna talk?"

"Spike, I-" God this was hard.  "I know that you kept your promise to look after Dawn while I was gone and I want you to know that it really meant a lot to her and to me.  I was wrong to treat you like I did last night.  It's been hard for Dawn since I've been back and I haven't been able to do anything to help her and that make me feel so inadequate where she is concerned.  So I guess I took it out on you and I'm sorry for that."  Her words were rushed and after her little speech the silence settled in.

After a few moments Spike finally spoke.

"Are you finished?"  Spike's voice was empty and hard.

"Uh-yeah, I guess-yes."  Buffy was confused, wasn't he supposed to accept her apology and smile or something?

"Right then.  Goodbye."  He rose from his seat on the bier and walked to the door, opening it. 

Buffy watched Spike standing by the door, obviously waiting for her to leave, feeling shocked.  This wasn't the way it was supposed to work out. 

"Oh.  Okay."  She made no move to leave.  "Spike…"

"What were you expecting, Buffy?"  A hint of desperation crept into his voice, "Tell me and I'll do it.  I would do anything at this moment to get you _out."_

Spike had used her name.  He never used her name.  This was definitely bad.  Tears formed behind her eyes and there was tightness in her chest.  Well if he wanted her gone, she was gone.  Without another word she abandoned the chair and walked into the night. 

The soft click of the door closing echoed through the crypt.  Leaning his head against the door, Spike fought the urge to pull it open again and call out to her to come back, not to leave him.    He hadn't wanted her to leave, not really.  Some small part of Spike had held out hope that she wouldn't leave, that she would fight to stay, fight to remain by his side.  Of course he knew that she would not.  

When he had walked in and seen the Slayer in his chair he'd had to restrain himself from slinging her over his shoulder and carrying her down to his bed.  The demon in him had wanted to imprint himself on her and make her his but the demon was controlled by Spike and Spike knew that this was not the way to deal with his reluctant consort.  

Then she had apologized.  He didn't want apologies he just wanted her to recognize how much he loved her and the lil' bit, and that he wanted to help them through this rough patch.  Wanker.

God, he was tired.  Tired of chasing her.  Tired of being rejected by her.   From the beginning he had felt that their affair came with an expiration date, that one day she would walk away from him and never look back.  When she was near him he could convince himself that she would eventually come around, that she would have to admit that she felt some affection for him outside the physical.  But then she would leave again and the doubts and the fear of never seeing her again would overwhelm him until he thought he would surely go mad.  

When he left Sunnydale he should have stayed gone.  But even back then she enthralled him, held his attention.  They were mortal enemies who could not kill each other only fight to a draw, equally matched in wits and muscle.  It was glorious, it was doomed and he wanted to quit. 

Spike pushed himself away from the door, lit a cigarette and began to pace, wondering why he still wanted to go after her.  Hadn't he just made up his mind that he wasn't going to play anymore?  Right.  If William had ever had any impulse control he would never have become Spike.  If Spike had ever given up on something he wanted he never would have gotten this close to his dream.

Fuck it, he was going after her. 

Buffy was shocked.  She had gone to him to _apologize and he had kicked her out.  Again.  What was happening here?  This is so not how she had envisioned this ending.  Didn't he understand how difficult it had been for her to admit that she had been wrong?  Didn't he care?  What did he want from her?  What was she willing to give?_

Without a doubt Buffy knew that Spike thought he loved her, but how could that be real.  Vampires were not big with the love and tenderness and then there was the inescapable fact that Spike had no soul.  So whatever he felt, it wasn't love.  Not by her definition.   But she couldn't deny the things Spike had done in the name of love.  Taken care of Dawn, helped her friends, been a friend to her when she couldn't be around anyone else.  Reluctantly she admitted that it had meant something to her, the way he sat with her and listened to without judgment without recriminations.  Spike had showed…depth.  Undeniably, Spike had been the only one to keep her from careening over the edge of the emotional abyss that loomed before her.

Buffy was still standing just outside his crypt unable to move away like she knew she should.  She wanted to go back and talk to him, make him explain why he was so angry.  Was it over?  Maybe it was good that Spike ended it because she lacked the strength to do it on her own and she knew that this thing between couldn't continue indefinitely.  It was…wrong.  This wasn't her.

Yet she remained there staring at the door he had closed in her face.  Spike was behind that door.  Spike of the amazing cheekbones and penetrating eyes.  Spike whose hands and mouth made her body sing and whose body made her legs weak.  

Without conscious directive her hand raised to knock on the door, but before it could make contact it swung open and the focus of her contemplation stood before her.

They stared at each other for a small eternity, each one wanting to say so much yet neither one capable of speaking the words.

Suddenly Spike tensed and his eyes shifted from hers to a spot directly behind her.  Before she could react she felt Spike's strong arms push her to the ground.  Quickly regaining her composure she turned her head just in time to see Spike impaled through the midsection by a wicked looking dagger.  A dagger wielded by a nasty looking demon.  The demon seemed almost as surprised as Spike at this turn of events since it was apparent that the intended target wasn't Spike but the Slayer.  Seeing that Buffy was still non-hole-y seemed to confuse the demon. Buffy sprang to her feet with the intention of killing it but before she could take any action the creature disappeared into a dazzling light that seemed to emanate from thin air.  The last thing she saw before it vanished was a bright orange glow coming from its neck.

Buffy ran to the injured vampire feeling stunned that he had taken a dagger meant for her in order to save her life.

"Spike!"  She saw him sag to the ground, his legs no longer able to support him.  "How bad is it?"   

Their earlier argument forgotten for the moment, Buffy knelt down beside him and lifted the hem of his shirt to assess the damage.  "There is a lot of blood, did it stick anything vital?"  
  


"As if it mattered.  I'm not likely to die from this.  Hurts like hell, though."  Spike hissed in pain as she gently probed the wound with her fingers.

"It looks deep, Spike, let's get inside and bandage you up."  With her help he managed to make it back inside the crypt where he sat down hard on the bier.  He'd been stabbed before, hundreds of times in fact, but for some reason this felt different.  The pain was burning like acid throughout his body and he felt a weakness that couldn't be completely contributed to blood loss.  Spike remained quiet not wanting to voice his concerns.

Buffy was busy cleaning the wound but there was so much blood, her hands were covered in it.  Looking into Spike's face she could see his eyes begin to glaze.  "Spike!  Stay with me.  Shouldn't the bleeding have almost stopped by know, what with the supernatural vamp healing?  I mean, I'm no expert on vamp first aid but there should be more not bleeding right?  Spike?  Damn!"  Buffy caught him as he passed out and gently guided him into a prone position on the rock slab.

This was strange.  The dagger had penetrated deeply but she had seen him wide-awake and cursing after receiving worse injuries than this.  Just then his eyes fluttered open again.  "Slayer?  What's happening?  I feel…off."  His voice was weak and Buffy began to worry in earnest.  She had to find out how to fix him.

"Spike, do you remember the demon who attacked us?"  
  


"Um, yeah.  Stuck me like a pig the prick." Understanding dawned in his eyes, "Poison, I think."  He was beginning to loose consciousness again.

Buffy raised her voice, "Spike, I'm going to the Magic Box.  I'll find out what kind of demon this was and what we need to do.  I'll be back soon."  She didn't want to leave him like this but she had to find out what they were dealing with.

"_Promise?"  Spike's voice was so faint she almost didn't hear him and before she could reply he passed out again._

"I promise Spike."  
  


_Please let them be there.  As Buffy rounded the corner to the Magic Box she spotted Xander and Anya locking the doors as they prepared to close up for the night._

"Hey guys!"  Buffy called out as she approached.  "I need your help."

"What's up Buff?"  Xander saw the strain of worry on her face and the blood on her hands.  "Are you okay?  What happened?"

"A demon attacked and Spike was stabbed but he thinks there was poison in the dagger so I need to find out what kind of demon we're dealing with so that we can help Spike."

"But you're okay, right?"  Xander's brow was drawn together in a frown.

"Yes, Xander, I'm fine," Buffy said impatiently, "but Spike isn't and we don't have a lot of time."

"Well, normally I'm not the liking demons guy but I think I'll have to track this one down and shake his hand.  Please tell me that Spike is in a lot of pain."  The worry was gone replaced by a quasi-evil grin.

"I don't have time for this Xander.  I need to know what this thing is and what it wanted."  Buffy saw that Anya was already unlocking the door and hurried over to her in order to avoid dealing with Xander any further.

After turning the lights back on Anya turned to Xander with a pout, "Does this mean we aren't going to have time for bath tub frolicking?  Not that I don't want to help but it's just that I was looking forward to orgasms tonight.  You can understand can't you Buffy?  Well maybe you can't.  How long has it been anyway?"

"Gross and none of your business.  Just point me in the direction of whatever can help me find what I'm looking for and then you are free to terrorize bubble baths everywhere."  Buffy tried hard to block that particular mental image from her mind.  Ugh.

"Oh, Buffy, Anya was just kidding.  Of course we want to help." Xander shot Anya a hard look.

"No I wasn't.  The books your looking for are right on the shelf to the left of the shelf you are currently looking at."  Anya walked over and helped Buffy grab the books.

"Anya, are you sure?  These books look new.  We have never done research with new books before.  Don't they have to be all dusty and moldy?"

Anya sighed in exasperation and ignored the question.  "What did this demon look like?  Was he purple, have two heads?  Was he bilingual maybe?"

"Huh?  Bilingual?  Um, I don't remember him speaking, only stabbing with a pointy object.  What is this, _The Dummies Guide to Demons?  Is this for real?"  Buffy held the book up to show the others.  When no answer was forthcoming Buffy returned her attention to the tomes in front of her.  Books.  Yuck.  Buffy was never one for the books.  Giles always did the research and…the pain of Giles abrupt departure was still too recent and Buffy made a mental left turn in order to avoid any further upset._

"He was big.  Not like Shaquille O'Neil big, but big.  And he had three horns on top of his head that made it look like he was wearing a tiara.  After he wounded Spike he just disappeared.  Poof."  Buffy wondered if Spike was still alive or un-alive or whatever and felt an urgent need to have this over with.

"Was it a poof poof or more of a shimmery portal thingy?"  This from Anya.

"I don't know Anya.  Just gone.  Maybe shimmery," Buffy tried to hold on to her temper, impatience making her fuse very short.

Xander was thumbing through the pages of the book in his lap.  "No, too short.  Too non-horny.  Hey did you guys hear that?" Xander was laughing at his unintended joke.

"Honey, it's not good to laugh at your own jokes.  People will think your stupid.  Kinda like that joke."  Anya smiled fondly at her flustered fiancée. 

"Right.  Back to looking for unknown demon guy then.  Hey this one has horns, oh no, nevermind.  You said that your demons horns were on his head.  Oh wait those aren't horns.  Oh my God.  Have you noticed how X-rated these books are sometimes?  I for one am offended."

Buffy rolled her eyes at Xander and tried to focus her attention back to the research.  Too much time had gone by since she left Spike at his crypt.  Was he okay?  What if…no.  _I will not let that happen.  I won't lose anyone else.  Not even Spike. _

"Oh, oh!  Is this the one?"  Anya was waving her book around excitedly in Buffy's face.  Buffy looked at the picture and recognized the gnarly face immediately.

"Yes, that's the one.  What does it say?"

Xander took the book from Anya and read to himself for a minute.

"So, what does it say?"  Buffy was trying to keep her emotions in check.

"Buffy this demon wasn't after Spike, it says here that this is a Hand-job demon.  They participate in ritual sacrifice to an unnamed Hell God.  Oh, good, cuz that is exactly what we need so close on the heels of the last one.  These demons dimension hop in order to find the female sacrifice needed for any one of a thousand rituals and that the daggers they use are coated in a special poison made from the ashes of a serpent native to their demension.  The poison is meant to cause immediate weakness in the victim, presumably to transport them easier, followed by death."

"Hand-job?"  What?

"Honey that says Han-jaad."  Anya was squinting at the book over Xander's shoulder.

"Just demon randomness then?  Much easier to deal with then another apocalypse, blabbity blah, or hell on earth. Does it say if there is a magical antibiotic for this poison?"  Pleasepleaseplease.

"Hm let's see.  Yeah right here.  It says that the demon carries the antidote, made from a mixture of their blood that has a natural immunity to the serpents poison and from the poison itself.  Buffy did you see the demon carrying around a bag marked antidote in big bold letters?"

Buffy thought back to her brief experience with the demon.  "Maybe, right before it disappeared I remember seeing an orange glowy thing around its fat neck.  That could be it.  Great, now I just need to find the demon and get the antidote."

"Um, Buffy?  There's some bad news."

"Wait.  What was the good news and would you mind repeating it so that I can give it the appreciation it deserves."  Buffy should have known that there was a catch.  There is always a catch.

"Apparently this demon can slip through dimensions and time and the only way to call it is by a magical summoning.  From a witch."  Xander looked at Buffy questioningly.

Willow.  She was the only witch they knew who might be powerful enough to conjure a demon from another realm.  But they couldn't ask Willow.

"No.  We can't ask Willow.  Tell me there is another way."  Buffy was resolved.  She would not risk what little progress Willow had made.

While Xander and Buffy discussed their lack of options, Anya continued to read.

"This is good.  It says that once the demon has set their sites on a particular sacrifice they won't give up until they've captured it.  Wow, harsh."

"Um, An, how is that good?"  Xander was back to his perpetually confused state.

"Well, all Buffy has to do is wait for it to reappear and grab the antidote from it."  Anya looked pleased with herself.

"Fine.  I can fight, I'm good at fighting but what do we do about Spike in the mean time?  Who's to say that the demon will reappear in time to help Spike?  You said that they travel through time as well as dimensions so it's possible that it could show up tomorrow or ten years from now!" 

Spike was going to die because of her.   No way would she give him the satisfaction.  He would just love knowing that he sacrificed himself to save her and her world would be just a little emptier without him in it.  Asshole.  Suddenly a thought occurred to her.

"Do we have to help Spike?"  Xander's petulance was beginning to get on Anya's nerves.

  
"Xander!  Remember that Spike helped us with Glory, we owe him."  Anya stood with her hands on her hips looking down at Xander slumped in his chair.  

"I'm not going to let Spike die after he just saved my life.  Now if you don't want to help then don't."

Buffy had an idea and it just might work.

  
"I've got to go.  Thanks for the help."

"Hey, Buff, I was only kiddin' around.  We'll stay and keep looking through the books."  Xander was looking at Buffy apologetically.  One day he was going to have to reconcile Spike's presence within their tight circle but it wasn't going to be easy.  

"No.  Go home.  I can take care of this."

"At least call us if you need anything, okay?"  Xander took Buffy's hand and squeezed it tightly before she turned and exited the Magic Box.

Xander turned back to Anya and said, "I'm worried about her, do you think she'll be alright?"

"Well she is the slayer."  Anya's non-answer didn't do anything to lessen Xander's worry but he allowed himself to be led out of the shop by his demanding fiancée. 

Buffy was standing outside Tara's dorm room waiting for a response to her knocking.  She wasn't sure of the extent of Tara's powers in witchcraft since the focus had always been on Willow's amazing abilities but Buffy had no one else.

Tara opened her door with a look of surprise at finding Buffy standing there.  "B-Buffy.  H-hi."

"Tara, I need your help and I need it quick.  Spike's poisoned by a demon.  I don't have a lot of time to explain right now but will you come with me?"

"W-What type of poison?"

"All I know is that it's made from the ashes of some funky serpent."  Buffy waited for Tara to digest the information and tried not to let her impatience show.  

"Come in.  I need to gather some supplies and we can go to Spike.  Buffy, I don't know if I can help him but I'll try."  The earnest expression on the other blonde's face made Buffy feel a surge of gratitude for her willingness to help Spike.

"Thanks, Tara."

  
After a few minutes the two girls left the room and headed back to the crypt.


	3. Chapter Three

**Part Three**

They arrived back at the crypt to find that Spike was no longer lying where Buffy had left him earlier.

"Spike?"  Buffy called out to him and then noticed the blood on the ground.  It ran the length of the room and over to the opening that led to the lower level.  "Tara stay here while I check to see if Spike managed to drag himself to his room."

Buffy didn't bother with the ladder instead she jumped down into the hole.  She saw Spike immediately.  He was lying face down on the floor, eyes closed and unmoving.  Oh, God.  Was she too late?  Buffy knelt beside his prone form.  "Spike?  Spike wake up!"

Buffy rolled him over and noticed that the bleeding seemed to have stopped but his wound looked livid and swollen with black tendrils of poison spreading out from the opening.  Whatever this poison was, it was aggressive.  Buffy felt the coldness seeping into her skin.  She yelled up to Tara that she needed to join Buffy below.

As Tara was making her way down, Buffy had managed to pick Spike up and was half dragging half carrying him to the bed.   Tara had reached the side of the bed and stood staring at Spike.  "Is he d-dead?"

"Well he is a vampire so, yeah, he's pretty much of the dead.  It's not like he has a pulse you can check or anything."  Buffy instantly regretted her sharp tone. "Just do what you can."

Tara looked at the wound and gave a small gasp at the sight of the festering injury.  "Buffy, it's spreading quickly.  I think that I can cast a spell that might contain it, ya know, make it move slower or hopefully even stop it.  But it's only temporary, eventually the poison will become immune to the spell and continue to move throughout his body like a decay."  Tara shivered involuntarily and seemed extremely nervous.  Most likely due to her close proximity to the unconscious vamp but there was also a determined set to her shoulders.  Buffy had no doubt that Tara would do her best to help in this completely helpless situation.

  
Tara began to remove some books and few other magical implements from her backpack and moved to light the candles Spike had around the room.  Buffy could hear the seemingly meaningless words Tara was speaking but she wasn't paying close attention.  Instead her eyes were drawn back to Spike's face.  He looked peaceful.  Too peaceful for Buffy's comfort and she began to feel the panic making a comeback.  It became more and more difficult to deny how deeply he affected her. 

But in what way did he affect her?  What were her feelings?  Since her return she had felt so little about anything.  Where huge depths of emotions had once existed there was now only emptiness, numb to all those whom she fought so hard to protect.  In the absence of emotion there was comfort but also the feeling that a vital part of her was missing.   How could she go on this way?  How could she be there for her sister, for her friends?  Did she want to?

Then there was Spike.  When Spike was around, Buffy was confused.  At first she viewed his attention as restful, Spike didn't treat her as if anything was wrong with her or as if he expected something from her.  In fact all he had ever done as try to be there for her.  What was completely unexpected was that she had begun to experience something more than the emotional vacuum she had been living in.  Not a lot at first but little by little she began to come awake, as if the spell cast to bring her back was still working out the details.  First there was fear, then anger.  The anger was so powerful that at times she felt out of control, but for the most part she was able to keep it hidden from Dawn and the others but somehow Spike knew.  Almost like he could see inside and recognize that anger in her and didn't judge.  

Buffy knew that Spike loved her, he had told her but it was more than that.  She felt it.  Every time he looked at her or touched her she felt it.  And it made her angrier and when she was with Spike she didn't try to hide her rage.  In fact she gave in to it over and over.  That is how they ended up in a pile of rubble together.  Buffy knew that there was something between them, something more than the passionate fury that drove them together time after time.  Something deeper.  But what?  Buffy was afraid of the answer because right now she just couldn't deal, could she?

Tara was at Spike's side and Buffy could see that she held a crystal that emitted a pulsing red light in her trembling hand.  Tara moved the crystal in a clockwise motion as she repeated the spell's mantra.  As Buffy watched, the poison seemed to stop its progress and then retreat back towards the opening of the wound.  Her breath caught in her throat.  Was it working?  She wanted to question Tara but didn't want to interrupt the spell.

Finally Tara looked back at Buffy.  "I th-think I did it.  I can feel the taint receding.  The crystal is drawing on the poison, kinda like a magnet and should keep it from spreading.  Whatever this is, it's strong and I don't know how long the crystal can hold it but I think that he's still in there.  What I mean is that he isn't _deader."  There were dark rings under Tara's eyes but she seemed relieved that her spell was holding._

Buffy could only nod, her eyes glued to the still unconscious vampire.  Hope was dangerous but it spilled from her in waves.  Buffy mentally willed his eyes to open.

"It might help if he had some b-blood."  Tara was unsure of herself in the face of Buffy's silence. 

"Oh.  Yeah.  It's up top in the fridge."  Buffy had yet to look away from Spike.

"Don't worry, I'll get it."  Tara seemed relieved to be doing something less close to the vampire.

As Tara went up the ladder Buffy moved closer to Spike.  When she was standing next to his bedside she hesitantly reached out a hand towards his but before she made contact she heard a moan escape his lips.  Buffy's quickly snatched her hand away and watched as he struggled to regain wakefulness. 

The first thing Spike saw when he opened his eyes was his angel.  She was looking down at him rather sternly and he wondered what he had done to tick her off this time.  Then he realized he didn't really care why she was here, only that she was.  Bloody poof.

"I feel wrecked.  What happened?"  It seemed safer to get right to it.

"There was a poison in the dagger that pierced your gut.  According to the books it's pretty lethal."

Spike remembered.  He remembered the dagger slicing into his flesh and the pain.  The intense, burning pain.  The sensation seemed to have dulled somewhat.

"Then what am I doing here, still among the unliving?  Oh no, don't tell me, I finally kicked it and this is my hell.  You standing there looking at me like that."

"Like what?"  Buffy was confused.  What was he talking about?  Was he delirious?

"Like I just ate your pup or somethin'."  Spike turned away from her, away from her eyes.  Sometimes it was just too unbearable to see how much she didn't love him and his chest ached with the now familiar pain of her constant rejection.

"Whatever.  Spike we were able to stop the poison from advancing but it's only temporary."

"Ah.  So you saw an opportunity for painful torture and you took it.  I see.  And who is we?"  Spike's mouth was out of his control always had been really.

"Well it wasn't we exactly as much as it was Tara.  She was able to use a spell to contain the poison."  Buffy gestured vaguely to the crystal still pulsing with a steady crimson light.  She was flustered.  She hadn't known what to expect but she was caught off guard by Spike's sarcasm.

"That little mouse?  I'm surprised she didn't faint at the sight of my naked chest."  Spike smiled weakly.

"Um-excuse me.  H-here's your blood."  Tara had managed to slip back down the ladder without either Buffy or Spike noticing.  A trembling hand held out the two bags of blood she had retrieved from the refrigerator.  

"Oh, bugger it." Spike's voice was low and he had the grace to look embarrassed.  "Look, I didn't mean anything by it-"

"No."  She interrupted his apology.  "That's okay and probably t-true."  Tara's face was flushed as she turned to Buffy.  "I should go now."

"Yeah, sure.  I'll take you."  Buffy took the bags from Tara's hands and gave them over to Spike with a hard look.  "I'm going to take Tara home, but I will be back."

With a final look in Spike's direction Buffy followed Tara up the ladder.

Spike watched them leave.  Idiot.  Insulting the person who had worked to save his sorry ass.  Real smart, _William.  As if he needed to give Buffy any more reasons to add to the "Why I Will Never Love Spike" list._

Spike tried to push himself up into a sitting position but was stopped short by a blinding pain that shot up his side.  "Ahhhhhhh!  Fuck!"

Spike hated weakness, especially his own and here he was injured and vulnerable.  An easy target, a sitting duck.  Since he had gone all soft in the head and taken up with the gang of bloody do gooders the other kids didn't want to play with him anymore.  In fact they would just love to see him reduced to ashes.

Spike's fatalistic meanderings were quickly replaced by thoughts of Buffy.  Why had she brought the witch?  Why did she want to save him?  Spike chose to believe that this was a sign that she was softening towards him.

Spike tore open the bag and drained the contents and more like himself until he tossed the bad to the floor and the pain renewed itself, reminding him of his current circumstances.  He was seriously wounded and according to Buffy, the witch could only fix him temporarily.  Frustration washed over him.  He wasn't ready to leave this earth quite yet.  The dreams he harbored about the little blond slayer were beginning to see the light of day and he was determined to see it through.

A small smile graced his pale lips at the thought of the slayer and he promptly fell asleep.

Once again Buffy found herself standing beside Spike's bed watching him sleep.  Why was he smiling?  

Buffy had returned Tara to her dorm room safe and sound leaving Buffy with the news that Spike had three maybe four days tops before the toxin would begin to counter the spell.  Buffy could only hope that she proved to be such an irresistible sacrifice so the demon would make its reappearance in time.  For now she needed to fill Spike in on all the icky details.

"Spike."

Spike came instantly awake when she spoke.  "You're back."

"Obvious much?  Look I said I would come back so here I am.  Back.  Here.  I wanted to let you know what's going on."

As Buffy gave Spike the low down, she began to feel the effects of he past forty-eight hours settling in her body.  She was so tired.

"So, anyway, I guess I'll just have to wait for it to come back for another try and grab the glowy um…stuff."  The fatigue was making it difficult to concentrate and she felt her body sway.  Buffy hurriedly straightened hoping that Spike hadn't noticed her lapse.  

Spike did notice, "Damnit, Slayer!  Sit down before you fall down.  When was the last time you slept?"

Too tired to argue, Buffy sat down hard on the end of the bed.  She was having trouble keeping her eyes open.  "I lay down to sleep a lot but it doesn't always work out that I actually sleep for too long."  She turned her head to look at him with a look of desperate frustration, "Spike, why can't I sleep?"

"Buffy, crawl up here and lay down.  Now."  Spike tone was firm.

"Don't tell me what to-okay."  With that Buffy stretched out beside Spike and immediately fell asleep.

Ignoring the pain, Spike reached across the bed to pull the covers over her sleeping form and watched her sleep.  She was breathtaking.  Spike had lived for over a hundred years and met thousands of beautiful women, some more beautiful even than Buffy, but none with her fire and spirit.  Even now with all of the internal conflict brought on by her amazing resurrection, her passion burned, it just had no direction.  Inside this tiny girl was a heart that was meant to love and be loved and Spike hoped that he would still be around to help her when she finally recognized that fact.

Spike could no longer fight his body for consciousness and he soon followed Buffy into sleep.


	4. Chapter Four

**Part Four**

Buffy slowly pulled herself out of the deep sleep she had been in and the first thing she noticed was the cold surface her head was resting on.  Not cold exactly, more like cool.  Spike.  Oh God.  Buffy's eyes flew open yet she remained lying there with her head on Spike's chest reluctant to move.  For the first time since she had come back, Buffy had finally been able to sleep through the night with no terrifying nightmares ripping her from slumber and at this moment she just wanted to relish the feeling.

Buffy looked over at Spike's wound which was on the side of him he hadn't used for a pillow and saw that it looked much the same as it had when Tara bespelled it.  Buffy felt her throat tighten in guilt at the thought of how Spike always seemed to get hurt helping her and Dawn.  You'd think that a person would give up after all the abuse he had taken.  But he wasn't a person he was…Spike and Spike was different from any other being she had known.  An enigma really.  It was hard to guess at what his motivations were.  According to the vampire himself, he was in love with her and that was what kept him coming back for more but to Buffy this had always been suspect.  It wasn't possible for monsters to love or feel any of the more tender feelings that humans or one particular souled vampire did.

Buffy felt gentle fingers burrowing into her hair, massaging her scalp and her eyes drifted closed at the sensual assault.  Reluctantly she lifted her head from his chest and got caught in his intense blue gaze.  God he had beautiful eyes.

"How'd you sleep?"  The intimacy implied in the question made Buffy acutely aware of their close proximity and she abruptly shifted into a sitting position facing him.

"Good actually.  Feeling any better or worse?"

"Like shit."  Spike looked down at his maltreated side and winced.

Buffy's gazed searched the room for a clock and found none, how she longed for the simple luxury of wearing a watch without worrying about her hand getting ripped off during a fight.  "What time is it anyway?"

Spike's demon was usually able to make a good estimate, "Early afternoon thereabouts.  Won't the lil' bit be worried?"  Spike's range of human emotions made her distinctly uncomfortable, reminding her of how different Spike was from the rest of the vile monsters in Sunnydale.  

"Dawn is spending the next week or so with our father.  In L.A.  After everything with Willow and me I think she needed a break from the drama."  The matter of fact tone of her voice covered how hurt she was by this but the sigh that followed her words spoke volumes that were left unsaid.

Spike nodded his head in understanding, "Sometimes people just need to get away."

"Well I had better get home before Willow sends for reinforcements.  After the sun goes down I'll be back with Xander and Tara to pick you up."  What was this new horror coming out of her mouth?

Spike looked as confused as Buffy felt.  "Why?  In my current condition I won't be much help with the fightin'."  

"No, not for patrolling.  I think that you should stay at my house for the time being.  U-until you fixed that is."  The words came out so fast her brain was having difficulty keeping up.  She thought about taking it back, uninviting him, but her mouth was unable or unwilling to form the words. 

"Your house?  Slayer, I'm not the one that demon was after so I don't think that he'll come back here for me.  And don't think I need a sitter either.  I can take care of myself.  Guilt absolved.  Go home."  The last thing he wanted was her pity or her feelings of misplaced obligation, he wanted to be invited to stay because she wanted him there.

"No.  Not until you agree to stay with us.  Dawn's out of the house so you can stay in my room and I'll sleep in her room.  That way I can keep an eye on your wound in case the poison starts to spread again.  Besides you shouldn't move around and at my house someone will be there to help."

"Sod off!  I'm not an invalid who needs a bloody nursemaid!"  Buffy appeared unfazed by Spike's defensive outburst.  

"Please, Spike."  Buffy spoke quietly.  This was the right thing to do.  He should be with her so that she could watch over him in case he got sicker.  It was her fault this all happened anyway.  

Buffy's tone undid him.  "Fine then."  Somehow this was going to come back and bite him on the ass.  It always did.  Yet how could he refuse her anything?

Buffy could see that he wasn't happy about this turn of events and she wondered at that.  Shouldn't he be jumping at the chance to be under the same roof with her?  

"Sundown.  Xander, Tara, me and a vehicle to pick you up."  Decision made, she left without another word.


	5. Chapter Five

**Part Five**

It took the entire day to convince Xander that allowing Spike to recuperate at the Summers' home was the only logical choice to make since he had saved her life and part of the evening to wheedle him into providing the transportation.  Getting Spike in the car was an ordeal to say the least, he was a lot heavier than he looked and Xander had drawn the line at actual physical contact.  Tara had come along just to ensure that the spell didn't go all wacky when they moved, so Buffy was alone in her struggle to get Spike into the back seat of the car. 

After Spike was settled in on Revello Drive Buffy had returned to the crypt in order to collect some clothing for Spike having forgotten to do it when they were there earlier. It felt strange pawing through Spike's things.  It felt…domestic and that worked her already frayed nerves so she moved quickly and all but ran back to the house.

"Um, Spike."  Buffy was standing in her bedroom looking down at Spike unable to get the words out. 

"Yeah?"  Spike looked at her expectantly but she just stood there blushing.  "Well spit it out, luv."

"You…er…well…I," She was gesturing to the duffel bag she had brought back with her from the crypt, "there…I couldn't find any…you know."

Spike was confused and a little irritated.  What was she going on about? "Any what?  I think you've lost me on this one, pet."  

"Underwear."  She hadn't thought that her cheeks could get any redder.  Why was she so embarrassed anyway?  It's not like talking about underwear should be such a big deal after what they had done together.  Hearing Spike's chuckle didn't seem to be helping matters either.

"Well don't tell me that you never noticed I don't wear 'em."  His patented smirk was back in place. 

Maybe this hadn't been such a good idea after all.  "I didn't know if you _never did.  I just…oh, forget it!"  Buffy stomped out of the room._

Feeling a faint rumbling in the vicinity of her stomach, Buffy made a beeline for the kitchen.  After downing a ham and cheese sandwich with a Pepsi it occurred to her that Spike was probably hungry so she took out a bag of blood from the refrigerator and heated it up in the microwave.  That she could do this without being completely grossed out was proof at how far she had sunk.

Buffy entered the room with the cup of warm blood in her hands and silently offered it to him, hoping that their earlier exchange had been forgotten.  Barely glancing up from Dawn's small tv that Buffy had placed in the room before Spike's arrival, he accepted the offering with a grunting noise that could have been a thank you but she wasn't certain.

"Okay then, I'm going to patrol.  So if you need anything let me know now or you'll have to wait until I get back."  Yup, this was definitely a huge mistake.  Seeing him sprawled across her bed was doing funny things to her breathing.

Buffy's pronouncement seemed to catch his attention and he flipped the tv off and looked directly at her.  "Slayer, watch yourself.  That demon is still out there and he has another shiny dagger with your name on it."  The look he gave her was filled with concern and for some reason it was turning her on.  Crap.

"I'll be fine.  This is my thing.  Slaying."  She was putting on her resolved face the one that hopefully conveyed the message to Spike to butt out.

Spike sighed, an interesting feat for one with no breath, and changed the subject.  "What about Red?  Is she gonna come barreling in armed with a magic wand to shove up my ass?"  

It took a serious effort not to laugh at that mental image, "I talked to Willow earlier and told her what was what and she didn't seem to care.  She's at the library studying for an exam."  Buffy turned to leave and Spike let her go telling himself that she could handle whatever trouble came her way.  It was one of the reasons he loved her. 

The bedside clock showed two in the morning when the Slayer finally came home.  She had been gone for over six hours and he was beginning to worry.  Buffy state of mind was still so unpredictable and any hesitation could see her killed and he wasn't entirely convinced she didn't still want that very thing to happen.

Spike listened to her roam around downstairs for a few minutes before moving up the stairs.  Will she come to him tonight?  Could his injury take it if she did?  Spike knew that he didn't really care about the pain, he could endure hell itself if it meant that he could touch her.  His body tensed as he heard her footsteps pause outside the door.  Then he heard them move past and his shoulders slumped in defeat.  Fuck.  Hurt radiated from his motionless form.  Fate was a cruel, sadistic bitch to put him so close to the person he longed for only to keep him so far away from her.  Sometimes he had her body but he never even came close to her heart.  In that moment Spike felt as if he truly was the very thing she had once accused him of being.  Nothing.

Buffy stood in front of his door, no her door, and fought the impulse to enter.  The need to be with him was absolute and had she been anyone else, there would have been no hesitation.  With superhuman will she walked away from the door, from Spike.  

After a quick shower Buffy slipped into a tiny tee and a pair of satin panties.  This was the most clothing she had slept in for as long as she could remember but she felt oogie sleeping naked in Dawn's bed, thus the jammies.

For the next hour she tossed and turned not able to sleep.  The usual worry and sadness blah, blah, blah.  Remembering how well she had slept at Spike's, Buffy contemplated going to her room and crawling into bed with him.  Just so that she could get some sleep.  

Sure, whatever. 

Spike loved her and even thought she would never love him back, she needed him and his love.  It was a matter of survival at this point and Buffy was grasping at anything that might offer her a lifeline.  Before she could talk herself out of it Buffy was standing in front of the door leading to Spike.  Without a thought for the consequences Buffy pushed open the door and stood in the doorway looking at him.

To see her standing before him was like peeking into heaven.  She was a goddess of all that was radiant and light and she was offering herself to her loyal supplicant.  It was a special kind of torment but he would take whatever she could offer of herself and lock the memories away to take out and relive when the day came that she would leave him.  Spike held out his hand to her.

Buffy was incapable of movement.  Spike was lying on her bed all rumpled and sleepy, covered to the waist with her white cotton sheet.  Heat gathered between her thighs and she became afraid.  The desire she felt for him was overwhelming and frightening and every time they came together it grew hotter and more intense then the time before.  When he reached out his hand, tears rose behind her eyes at the look of tenderness and love on his face.

Slowly as if in a fog she closed the door with a barely audible click and walked towards his outstretched hand not taking her eyes off it.  When their fingers collided Buffy felt as if the wind had been knocked out of her and began to tremble.

"Spike, I-"

"Shhhh.  I know."  And he did know.  Her need for him burned almost as hot as his for her.  Words weren't necessary, she couldn't give him the ones that he wanted and he was sick of hearing himself say it over and over.

Buffy gently lowered herself to straddle his hips, careful not to inflict more discomfort by jostling his wound and leaned in to engage his lips.  It was a kiss of desperate sadness and Buffy felt as if her heart would break from the impossibility of it all.  Theirs was an unnatural union and there was no chance for a happy ending.  Unable to maintain coherent thoughts with Spike's demanding mouth against hers Buffy let herself be submerged in the sensation of his mouth moving over hers.

Thrusting tongues met and danced and strong hands roamed over supple bodies, each one rediscovering the other as if it was the first time.  Spike slipped her t-shirt over her head and together they struggled to divest her of her panties.  Looking deeply into his startling blue eyes, Buffy grasped his hard length in her small hand and heard his demon growl in pleasure.  Unable to wait any longer she guided him to her aching center and eased down enveloping him completely.  Trapped by his eyes she couldn't look away from him and neither one moved as they became acutely aware of their physical connection.  Finally Buffy began a steady rhythm first slow then faster as she sought release.

As the pressure built, the couple increased their tempo and Spike moved his hand from its position on her hip to the place were their bodies joined stroking her in time to their motions.  The pleasure that he felt threatened to overwhelm him and despite the pain he urged her on faster.  Without a thought to the other occupant of the house the couple, lost in each other, cried out as they reached their pinnacle and as they fell into the abyss Buffy screamed out her pleasure.

Down the hall Willow was startled awake by what she thought was a scream.  She froze and strained to hear it again but it didn't happen again.  After a few minutes she relaxed thinking that maybe it had been a dream.  Definitely just a dream.  She sank back into the bed and fell back to sleep.

After Buffy was able to regain control of her breathing and after another long, drugging kiss she gently slid down to Spike's good side.  Good side.  Yeah right.  Resting her head on his chest she promptly fell asleep.  Spike could sense the sun beginning its ascent in the heavens and knew he should sleep but for the moment he only wanted to absorb the feel of her in his arms.  What they shared was so chaotic and violent at times that he had no way of knowing when it would end and he was reluctant to waste any of the time they did have with sleep.  Unable to ignore the burning pain in his side any longer he felt himself being pulled out of consciousness and his last thought before the darkness claimed him was of the fire spreading rapidly through his body bringing intense agony in its wake. 

Buffy's eyes flew open and she came instantly awake.  Something was wrong.  She lifted her head from Spike's chest and quickly looked around the room.  Nothing.  What had woken her up?  Then she noticed it.  Heat.  Intense heat coming from Spike.  Buffy looked down and gasped.  From beneath the small bandage the slithering tentacles of poison had revived themselves and had spread until they covered his chest, neck and face.  Yanking down the sheet, Buffy saw that the bottom half of his body fared no better. 

Jumping from the bed she quickly pulled on a pair of yoga pants and a tank top and ran towards Willow's room.  The door was closed and Buffy ran in without knocking.

"Willow, hurry I need your help!"  

Willow was instantly alert, "What is it, what's happened?  Are you okay?"

"The spell was broken or something.  The poison is active again and Spike is dying."  Fear had crept into her voice.  Dawn would never forgive her if Spike died.  "I need you to start gathering towels to soak in cold water.  Ice.  We need ice.  Spike's burning up and we need to cool him down.  I'm going to call Tara."

Before Buffy was finished Willow was already out of bed heading towards the linen closet for towels and blankets, which she took to the bathroom.  Buffy heard the water running as she called Tara who agreed to come without hesitation.  Buffy hung up the phone and ran back to Spike joining Willow who had rushed in moments before.

The two hurriedly worked to cover Spike with the icy cold towels and blankets hardly noticing their hands turning blue from handling them.  Once he was covered they sat on the floor and waited for Tara.  "Spike!  Wake up!"  Buffy was yelling at him hoping for some indication that he wasn't gone yet.  Nothing, no sign of life from the vampire the only indication that it wasn't too late was the fact that he was still in one piece.

"Buffy, if he is still feverish than he has a chance."  Willow was also concerned but puzzled at the stark fear she saw in Buffy's eyes.

"Right, a chance to turn to dust!"  Seeing Willow cringe, Buffy instantly regretted snapping at her friend.  "I'm sorry, Will.  I'm just not in the mood for any more death and destruction around here."  Buffy propped her elbows on her knees and cradled her head in her hands fighting back the tears.

Willow didn't know what to say so she said nothing only looked down at her hands that had gone numb from the cold.  Willow heard the front door opening and tried to push back the anxiety at seeing Tara again.  "Buffy?  Tara's here.  I'll go fill her in and bring her up."  Buffy nodded but her eyes remained downcast.

In the five minutes it took for Tara and Willow to make their way back to the room, Buffy had lost her battle with fear certain that this time she would lose him.  The small hope she had harbored died a brilliant death in the wake of this new disaster.  One that she herself had caused.

Tara rushed to Spike's side and picked up the crystal that had gone from a vibrant red pulse to a dull pink literally overnight.  Tara looked confused, "I don't understand.  The spell should have lasted at least a couple more days."

The guilt was choking her and Buffy wanted to run.  Fast and hard and she wasn't sure that she ever wanted to come back to this place.  Eventually they died or left her and it was always her fault.  Somehow it had to be her fault because there was no other explanation to be had.  Buffy felt Tara's gaze settle on her and she reluctantly lifted her head to acknowledge the witch.  Buffy felt her face burn wondering if somehow Tara knew of her shame. 

Steeling herself for the worst Buffy asked, "So, how long are we talkin' here?  A few hours, minutes maybe, what?"

"I-I don't know.  I have never dealt with this before.  I'm sorry Buffy."  Tara rushed out of the room leaving Buffy alone with the dying demon.

Lifting herself from the floor, Buffy slowly walked over to the bed and felt the ever-present anger washing over her in waves and as always she lashed out at him as she always did.  "Spike, you stupid son of a bitch.  Wake up NOW!"  No response.  "If you let this kill you I will definitely never love you!  EVER!"  Refusing to cry, she grabbed her jacket and raced out of the room unable to watch him die.

"Willow!  Where are you?"

"Down here Buffy.  Is he-?"  Willow couldn't find the right words to complete her question.

"Will, I'm leaving.  I have to find that fucking demon so that we can fix Spike.  I will not give Dawn another reason to hate us."  It was all for Dawn.  Only Dawn, right?  "Watch over him until I get back and if he goes dusty, don't touch anything.  I'll take care of it when I get back."  Determined to find a solution Buffy headed to the front door.

Tara ran towards her, "Buffy, wait.  What are you going to do?"

"I don't know."

"I'm going with you.  I borrowed my dorm mates car so I'll drive us to the Magic Box.  We'll find a way, Buffy."  Tara looked determined.

Buffy was surprised at the girl.  Tara's position within the group was usually in a support capacity and here she was offering to put herself in the middle of a potentially dangerous situation.  Buffy's estimation of the blond rose considerably.  "Tara, I don't blame you.  You don't have to do this."

"That's not it, Buffy.  I just want to help.  I l-like him and I'm going."  Tara, stubborn.  Whoda thunkit.

"Let's go then."

Luckily the magic shop was empty of customers when they arrived and Anya was actually willing to help them and to her credit she didn't bat an eye when told the goal was once again to help a member of the ungrateful dead.  They gathered around the table with the usual books and tried to find a way to call the demon back to this dimension and so far they were coming up empty.

After two hours of searching and three phone calls to Willow checking on Spike, the girls had come up empty handed.  Buffy was about to go the training room and terrorize the punching bag when Tara spoke up.

"I h-hate to ask again but could you explain why we want the demon to make another attempt at you?"  Buffy looked at the witch as if she had sprouted a second head.  Had Tara suddenly developed amnesia?

"Becaaaause, we need to get the cure from around his fat neck."  Buffy cringed to hear the sarcasm in her voice.  Tara was only trying to help after all.

Tara blushed.  "W-what I mean is why are we trying to get the demon to come to us when all we need is the bottle around his neck?"

Anya piped up, "Why do we always assume that the demons are hims?  A lot of demons are female you know."

Tara and Buffy looked at the ex-demoness for a moment before turning their attention back to the matter at hand.  "Tara, I'm not exactly following you on this."  A confused Buffy was an irritated Buffy.

"Well it might be possible to a spell calling for the object we desire without dealing with the demon.  It is a small thing so I think that I could do it."

"Don't you need something physical to bind the spell to that particular object?"  Anya was puzzling the solution.

"Oh.  We don't have anything from the demon.  The dagger went back into the pretty lights with him…er…her…whatever.  All he left behind was one severely poisoned vampire."  Buffy felt their chance die on the vine.  Suddenly a thought occurred to her.

"Wait a minute.  If the poison is made from the ashes of a serpent native to the demon's dimension and the antidote is made from a mixture of the actual poison couldn't we consider that a physical connection with the poison?"

"Probably."  Anya was beginning to see where Buffy was headed, "So if you could collect the poison from Spike's blood you could use that to work the calling spell."  She smiled real big at her deduction.

"It c-could work, Buffy."  Tara began to smile and Buffy began to hope again.

Buffy was kneeling beside Spike holding Tara's ceremonial athame attempting to draw blood from him while Tara remained downstairs clearing the living room in order to perform the location spell that would hopefully bring about Spike's reprieve from complete deadness.  For some reason Buffy was hesitating over her particular assignment.  After all he had been through so far it seemed wrong to inflict more damage.  Glancing at his face, almost completely blackened by the poison, Buffy found her resolved and quickly slashed the vein in his wrist, watching the blood drain into the bowl she had placed underneath his hand.

"Sorry Spike," Buffy whispered to the still unconscious Spike.

The cut she made wasn't deep enough to cause him to bleed out but still there seemed to be an awful lot of the tainted fluid filling the bowl and Buffy felt her stomach flip.  She waited for a long moment before applying pressure to the wound and wrapped it in gauze.

"Buffy!"  Tara was calling her from downstairs.  "Everything is ready down here, all I need is the blood."

Buffy was in the living room a second later holding the bowl.  "Where's Willow?"

"I asked her to leave.  It didn't seem right to have her here while I was doing magic."  Tara took the blood from Buffy and placed it in the circle with the other items necessary to do the spell.

"Oh.  It's for the best."  Buffy looked at Tara anxiously.  This just had to work, Spike was out of time.

"Buffy stand back and don't say a word, I need to keep my concentration."

Buffy did as Tara instructed and stood as far away as possible while still being able to watch the proceedings.  Unconsciously her hands clenched into fists as she watched the timid girl read exotic words from a book.  Idly Buffy wondered why they didn't translate the spells into English. It would make it much easier for those less language-ly inclined to follow along.

After reading from the book the first time, Tara closed her eyes and repeated the words over and over again.  After several minutes with no response, Buffy began to fear that it wasn't going to work.  Suddenly the air around Tara began to move, kind of like seeing heat rising off the pavement on a hot August afternoon.  It seemed to coalesce in a spot about two feet in front of Tara where it swirled and pulsed faster and faster.  The pitch of the witch's voice seemed to rise in urgency knowing, despite her closed eyes, that the spell was working.  There was a loud crack in the air around the orb of light ending in a thud as something hit the floor.  Buffy made a move towards it then held back as she remembered Tara's earlier request. 

Tara's eyes flew open and she looked down.  On the floor lay a silver chain from which a small crystal bottle full of glowing orange liquid hung.  She turned to Buffy with a look of quiet triumph on her face.  "Is this what we need?"

Buffy was momentarily struck speechless.  It had worked.  Not until the object appeared had she truly believed that they could do it without Willow but Tara had done it.  Spike's chances of survival had dramatically increased thanks to this gentle girl.

"That's it!  Let's get this upstairs."

Tara tossed the bottle to Buffy and called to her as she charged up to the bedroom, "I have to close the circle I'll be up in a minute."

Buffy reached Spike's side and paused.  How was this supposed to work? Should he drink it or should she pour it over the wound?  Indecision gnawed at her, she felt the need for speed but she was afraid of causing further damage.  Not liking this very un-Slayer-like behavior one bit, she chose a course of action and mentally crossed her fingers.

Putting her hand on the back of Spike's neck, she tilted his head back and parted his lips with her finger.  Uncapping the bottle she drained its contents down his throat before she was able to form a second thought.

Tara came into the room just as the empty bottle bit the ground.  "Did it work?"  Buffy was still supporting the vampire's neck.

"I don't know.  I have no idea how long this will take or if I just made it worse."  Buffy was resigned.  There was nothing more that she could do except wait and she was just about as patient as Spike. 

"I'll call Anya and see if the book says anything about recovery time."  Tara left Buffy alone in the room with Spike.

_Please be all right, please.  What would her life be like without him?  He was the only one who understood her.  The only one who wanted to and it was completely selfish but she wanted him to get better for her as well as for Dawn.  It struck Buffy that she had never seen him so still.  Even when he slept he moved.  Spike was the poster boy for hyper activity.  That was the most frightening thing through this entire ordeal, the energy that was Spike had been stilled.  Even after his bout with the hell-bitch Glory he had moved._

Tara came back into the room and walked over to Buffy's side.  "I spoke with Anya and the book is pretty vague on the recovery stuff.  I guess it's pretty rare that the cure is even obtained.  Anyway the book said anywhere from minutes to hours before a change is noticeable."

"Hours?"  Buffy looked at Tara and the witch noticed the lines of fatigue around her mouth and eyes.

"Buffy why don't you go to Dawn's room and get a few hours of sleep.  I will sit with him until you wake up."  Her tone conveyed a wealth of concern for the slayer.

"What about you?  It has to take a lot out of you to do that spell stuff."

"Yeah, but the magic also gives a different kind of energy in return.  I can wait a few hours."

Buffy's brow crinkled in query, "Is that why Willow got all weird?"

"Kinda, but what Willow was doing was…different."  Tara was reluctant to dredge it up with the wound still so fresh.

"Kay.  I am tired.  Promise you'll wake me if his condition changes."

Tara made that promise and with one last search of Spike's face she headed off to Dawn's room for some much needed rest.


	6. Chapter Six

**Part Six**

Tara awoke a few hours later still in the chair she had sat in to watch over Spike.  She felt a moment of alarm, she hadn't expected to fall asleep.  Her eyes moved swiftly over to the bed to see if there was any change and she was startled to be staring into a pair of sharp blue eyes.  Spike was awake.

"Oh.  Have you been awake long?  Are you feeling better?"  The questions were rattled off a little breathlessly.  It must have worked.  Tara admitted to herself that she feared that they might not have been able to help in time.

"'ello, ducks.  Just now opened my eyes to see Sleeping Beauty sittin' by my bed side."  Spike could be charming when he wanted to.  He just never wanted to. 

Tara was blushing furiously and her embarrassment caused her stammer to intensify.  "I-I-I'll g-go…um…" Tara turned even redder if that was possible and left the room to get Buffy.  Spike's grinned at her retreating form. 

Buffy came rushing into the room and ground to a halt when she saw him awake.  It took her a few moments to calm her racing heart at the sight of him.

"Spike, what did you do to Tara?  She's so flustered she can't even speak!  I thought…nevermind.  What did you do?"  Buffy planted her fists firmly on her hips and cocked her head to the side waiting for an explanation. 

"Nothin' pet, honsestly."  Spike tried to affect an innocent expression but it was useless.  Innocence had been lost to him for so long he couldn't even fake it.

"Oh, brother.  Don't even pretend you didn't deliberately try to embarrass her.  So, pervert, did you flash her or something?"  His grin only grew so she decided to give up.  "Just forget it, I don't even want to know."  She stood there contemplating him for a moment before she spoke again.

"Are you feeling better?"  The blackness that had covered his body seemed to have receded leaving only a faintly gray cast over his skin.  "Let me look at it."

Buffy walked over to the bed and briskly pulled the sheet back so that she could inspect his wound.

"Hey now, Slayer, you should work on that bedside manner of yours."  Spike looked put out.  A little gentleness wouldn't have been remiss, the silly bint.

"Shut up, Spike."  Buffy could see that the wound was almost completely healed and she let out the breath she didn't know she had been holding.  Spike was going to be okay.

"See.  Good as new, almost.  Let's say we celebrate, luv."  With a wicked glint in his eye he grabbed Buffy and hauled her down on top of him before she could react.

"Damnit, Spike!  Let me go!  We are not going to do this, pig."  Buffy's struggle was only half-hearted and Spike knew it.  With a hand on the back of her head he drew her lips down to his.  She relaxed into him and all the fear and subsequent relief was poured into this kiss.  It spoke of feelings she could not articulate and possibilities she dared not think about.  The couple, lost in each other, didn't notice Tara standing in the doorway.

Tara had often wondered if Buffy would ever acknowledged the attraction she had to Spike.  To Tara it seemed obvious that it existed but she had never mentioned it to anyone, it didn't seem like it was any of her business.  To see it so blatantly displayed before her, however, was another story altogether and she was shocked and before she could stop it a small gasp flew from her lips.

Spike was oblivious to the intruder but Buffy heard and with a hard push at Spike she scrambled off the bed and turned to face Tara.  "Oh God, Tara, how embarrassing…Spike was just…uh…we were just…well-" Tara was already down the stairs.

Buffy spun around to face Spike. "How could you?  Now I have to find a way to convince her that she didn't really see what she thought she saw.  Don't you have any self-control?"  There were tears of frustration and panic brimming in her eyes.

"Hey now, I wasn't alone here and besides all she saw was a harmless kiss."

"_Harmless!  Spike, nothing you do is harmless, chip or no chip.  I'll just bet you did that on purpose!  I am going to be completely humiliated!"_

"What?  Look, pet, you've gone around the bend on that one.  I don't care about them and what they know.  I only care about-"

"Just shut up Spike and don't call me that!  I have to get to Tara before she tells anyone."  Buffy made for the door.

Spike tried to conceal the hurt her words caused.  "I get the impression that Tara isn't exactly the gossipy type.  The little bird can barely manage to get the words out when you ask her what she wants to drink…Slayer?"

Buffy was already gone.

Buffy ran to the front door and pulled it open, "Tara?"

"Yeah?"  Buffy started at the sound of Tara's voice directly behind her.

"Oh, there you are.  I thought that you might have…left."  Buffy waited for Tara to start asking questions but she just stood in front of Buffy with an expectant look on her serene face.

"What you saw was…well…it was nothing.  I mean, no big deal.  It's not like we're, ya know, doin' it or anything.  I mean, God, can you imagine how horrible that would be!"  Buffy's laughter was forced and she wished, not for the fist time, that she were a better liar.  "So, see, nothing.  A whole lot of no big deal.  You won't be, um, mentioning this to anyone, right?"  

  
Tara saw the look of pleading on the slayer's face and wanted to reassure her, "Buffy, it's all right.  Y-you don't have to explain.  It's none of my business or anyone else's for that matter.  I won't say anything. I-I promise."

Buffy looked into Tara's eyes and knew that she spoke the truth, she would not talk to the others about what she saw and for a moment Buffy fought the urge to release her terrible secret onto the girl. Maybe it would be a good thing to tell someone about this thing with Spike.  "Tara, I-" 

Tara waited for Buffy to continue but the slayer suddenly lost her nerve, "Just, thank you.  I think I'll go to the shop and let everyone know that disaster was averted once again.  Can you stay?  Just in case Spike…"

"Sure no problem."  Tara watched Buffy gather her jacket and move to leave.  "Buffy?"  Buffy turned back to the girl, "It's okay, ya know.  I-I mean if you and Spike were, um, more than uh-I mean he's been good and-well it's okay."

"No, Tara, it's not okay.  There is nothing good about Spike."


	7. Chapter Seven

**Part Seven**

Buffy didn't return to the house until after dark.  She had spent time at the shop, gone patrolling and doing just about anything to keep her from having to return and face Spike.  Buffy admitted to herself that she was also trying to avoid Tara.  The witch was for more perceptive than was comfortable.  All she could do is hope that Tara meant it when she said that she wouldn't tell anyone what she saw.  That would be the worst thing that could happen right now.  Or ever.

Deciding that she wasn't quite ready to face the other yet she detoured around the side of the house heading for the back porch.  There had been precious few moments alone since she had been back and even less time to just sit and think.  The events around her forced her to react, leaving her feeling out of control and set adrift, waiting for the next act of insanity to engage her.

  
Approaching the porch she felt a familiar presence and she let out a long sigh, "Spike."  Feeling thwarted and tired, she slumped down on the step and buried her hands in her face.

Spike had felt her as soon as she turned onto the street and he had hoped that by coming out for a smoke on the back porch he could avoid her.  When he saw her come around the side of the house he cursed, there would be no reprieve for either of them this night.  "Slayer."

They sat there together, both lost in their own thoughts, neither one wanting to break the silence.  Finally Spike's nervous energy won out, "The nibblet called earlier."

Buffy looked over at him, "What?  Why are you answering my phone?"  She didn't try to hide her irritation.

"_Red answered the call."_

"Oh.  What did she say?"

"Not much.  Said she was having fun with dear ol' dad and that she would ring back tomorrow."  Spike stared straight ahead and into the darkness beyond the porch light.  The quiet once again settled around them.  This time it was Buffy who initiated speech.

"Is Tara still here?"

"No.  When Red showed, she hightailed it out of here as fast as she could."

  
"Did-did she say anything?  About earlier, I mean.  To Willow?" 

For a moment Spike didn't say anything and Buffy began to get impatient.  "_Well?"_

Taking another drag off his smoke he turned to look at her, "No, not that I'm aware of.  Your dirty little secret is still a secret." After a moment he continued, "Ya know if you just told your friends about us-"

"No!  No way!  I don't want them to know anything.  Ever!  I mean it, Spike."  There was no mistaking the threat implied by her statement.

Spike shook his head and took a drag off his cigarette before tossing it out into the yard.  "Set myself up for that one, didn't I?"

Buffy felt a moment of regret at the bitterness in his voice but chose to ignore it.  She just couldn't deal with Spike's hurt feelings right now.

"Thank you."

Buffy was surprised at the reluctant utterance from Spike, "For what?"

"Not takin' the opportunity to get rid of me once and for all, I know it would solve a lot of your problems."  

"Oh."  Buffy wondered at his implication that she would want him to be hurt or dust.  They were sleeping together for cryin' out loud, and there was Dawn…

The tears that had been building for the past few days began to spill down her cheeks refusing to be held back any longer.  As the deep sobs wracked her small body, Spike pulled her across his lap bending down to rest his head upon hers holding her as she gave in to her grief.  Gradually the tears subsided and her sobs receded to whimpers as she tried to regain control of her breathing.  Sitting up and wiping her face with the back of her hand she turned to look at Spike afraid of what she would see in his eyes.  Unprepared for the raw emotion reflected in those arctic depths, Buffy panicked.  Spike felt her absence even before she jumped up and ran into the house.

Spike remained on the back porch for a long time, smoking and starring at the midnight sky trying to convince himself that there was a future with her.  That, despite her protest to the contrary, there was a time for the two of them together.  Holding her while she cried had brought out feelings of tenderness and shared grief for her and he struggled not to follow her into the chasm of despair because that moment was for her.  She was crying for all the guilt and shame and anger and pain that had been building for so long.  Spike had not been surprised to see her run away from him, every time they were together it seemed like she was always getting ready to leave him.

Eventually Spike hauled himself into the house and sat in front of the television set in the living room not really seeing the pictures flashing on the screen.  Only thinking of her and knowing that one day she would break him.  He only hoped it was later rather than sooner.

A couple of hours before dawn, Spike stole up the stairs and entered Buffy's room, quickly stripping off his clothes and sliding between the sheets.  So engrossed in his thoughts he failed to notice a small lump under the bedclothes until a dainty hand fluttered across his chest in a gentle caress.  Looking over he saw the hazel eyes of his love staring up at him with sleepy desire and knew he could never refuse her.

Rolling over her he slanted his lips across hers in a kiss that spoke of urgent need and decadent cravings.  This parody of love plays out with no beginning and no ending only two people destined to destroy one another coming together, imprinting themselves on one another.  The one knowing that he will never experience another like her and the other knowing that she will suffer for her wanting of this creature.  Yet they ascend beyond conscious thought, willfully and deliberately, to delay the inevitable hoping that maybe while they weren't looking the world became their sanctuary.

So the lovers shift and strain voicing their pleasure as the witch listened in horror.

Willow was downstairs the next morning fixing breakfast and trying to sort out what she had heard last night.  Could Buffy and Spike really be having sex?  Willow shuddered.  Of course not, Buffy wouldn't do that would she?  Spike was a vampire and unlike Angel, did not possess a soul.  And, hello, Buffybot?  That was just gross.  He was _evil._

"Hey, Will."  Speak of the evil doer.

"Oh-hey Buffy.  Hungry?  I made some pancakes."  Willow tried to hide how uncomfortable she was feeling by gracing Buffy with one of her super bright, cheery smiles.  

"Wow, pancakes.  Again."  _Maybe instead of making pancakes all the time you could pay rent.  Buffy fought the bad Buffy down.  "Sure why not?  I seem to have worked up an appetite last night."_

That innocent comment created a disturbing mental image of Buffy and Spike having sex causing the orange juice that Willow was currently swallowing to make a surprise comeback and she began to gasp and choke. A concerned slayer ran over to Willow and began to pound her on the back.  

Willow sucked in air as tears streaming down her face finally able to breathe.  "Wh-what do you mean you worked up an appetite last night?"

"Being a good slayer of bad monster types, of course.  God, Will, did you get the extra pulpy kind or what?"

"I think I was inhaling instead of exhaling or something."  Willow's voice came out raspy from her battle with the killer oj.  

Maybe she should just come out and ask Buffy about the scary sex noises that she had heard coming from her room last night.  That way Buffy could tell her that it was some late night sex movie on Showtime and Willow could try to regain her sanity.

"Um, Buffy?  I was wondering…did you want to…well talk to me about anything?  Ya know, whatever.  I've been kinda out of it with the whole recovery girl routine but I want you to know that you can talk to me."

"Nope.  Nothin' goin' on here what with Dawn in L.A. and all.  Well there is the fact that I need a job and like, yesterday.  Hey what do you think about me working at The Bronze as a waitress?  There seems to be a lot of Hellmouth action there so I could work both jobs at the same time.  Waitress slash Slayer.  Serving drinks inside the club and saving the world from the evil that exists in the alleyway on my breaks.  Good idea, huh?"  Buffy was shoveling a forkful of pancakes in her mouth while she talked.

Willow gave Buffy an impulsive hug.  "Oh, that's a great idea, Buff.  Good luck job hunting. Gotta go, late for class."

  
"Uh yeah thanks."  Puzzled Buffy watched Willow slip out of the kitchen hearing the front door click shut a few moments later.  With a laconic shrug she finished off her breakfast and cleaned up the dishes Willow had so thoughtfully left for her, planning out her day.  It was time to find some steady income because waiting for the sky to open and rain money just wasn't cutting it.

Quietly entering her room thinking that Spike was still asleep, she moved towards the closet to find something to wear that would look fabulous while begging for gainful employment.

Leather?  Nothing says don't-hire-me-I'm-a-party-girl quite like leather.

Denim?  Oh, yeah, the unprofessional college student look was much better.

Finally settling on a long mint green cotton skirt and a white peasant blouse she moved quietly around the room gathering the rest of her toiletries.  Pausing at the door to look back at Spike, Buffy was startled to feel tears threatening.  He looked vulnerable and so astonishingly beautiful that she had to fight the impulse to join him in the bed and spend the day in more pleasurable pursuits.  

After Responsible Buffy won the mental tug-of-war she reluctantly walked out of the room and away from its tempting occupant. 

An hour later Buffy walked into the kitchen to find a very much awake vampire leaning against the sink sans shirt.  Buffy didn't acknowledge him as she made a direct line to the coffeepot telling herself that the clenching in the pit of her stomach had nothing to do with the sight of his strong arms and smooth chest. 

"Well, don't you look all spiffy.  Goin' somewhere?"  Spike's patented smirk was in its usual place, all irritating and-well-smirky.

"Yes."  Buffy's chose not to elaborate on her comings and goings since it was none of his business.  

Spike waited for the explanation that wasn't for a few moments before crossing the small distance between them and getting all up in her personal space.  "How about you stay here instead and we could cuddle up in your soft fluffy bed and play hide the stake."  His roaming hands had taken to rubbing her ass as he spoke and Buffy quickly smacked the offending limbs away.

"Real fucking charming, Spike.  No wonder your such a hit with the high-school girls."  With a roll of her eyes she sidestepped around his gorgeous self to rinse her cup out in the sink, the coffee suddenly loosing its appeal.

"You don't seem to mind."  

"Oh, I mind plenty, I'm just temporarily insane at the moment and unable to access the part of my brain that deals in logic and reason."  Thinking that this conversation needed to be redirected Buffy inquired about his injury.  "So, how's the ouchie?  All better now?"  She looked him up and down checking for any errant trace of the poison.

Spike held his arms wide and looked down at his exposed side, "Yeah, seem to be.  Thanks to your tender loving care."

"Spike, it is way to early for corny clichés."  _It was my tender loving care that almost turned you to dust.  "Why are you up so early anyway, isn't this your nighttime or something?"_

"Never was one to sleep much, too many things to do."  Spike's gaze traveled around the room looking at everything but her.  No way had he turned so poofy that he would tell her that he didn't want to sleep without her next to him.  Nope, not this wanker, no sir.

"Spike, what do you have to do?  Especially during the day when you can't go outside due to a serious case of sun allergy?  Never mind.  I have to be going now.  Try not to eat all the food in the house and I'll bring more blood when I come back."

Spike grabbed her arm as she was walking towards the back door.  "Back from where?"  Before she could utter the flip reply that was hanging so enticingly off the tip of her brain Spike continued, "That demon is still after you Buffy."

Intense quiet voice, eyes devoid of humor and or horny motives, crap, he must be serious.  Buffy turned and sighed, "Spike, the mortgage payment waits for no demon.  I have to get a job and I can't wait for the demons to call a time out.  Bills piling up equal urgency.  Besides, he could show up here just as easily as he could out there."

Spike was incredulous.  "A _job?  In case you haven't noticed you already have a __job its called being the slayer and it's more than full-time."_

"Yes but being the slayer doesn't pay actual money, ergo me getting a job that does."  

Spike's ire was gaining momentum and Buffy was wondering if this pointless conversation would end and she could leave already.  It was hard enough not throwing him down on kitchen table and taking him in every rude and immoral way she could think of and thanks to the past few weeks spent in his company, she could think of plenty. 

"I have an idea, how bout those soddin' friends of yours chip in?  Does Red pay rent?  The whelp and his demoness should be rollin' in it, have they offered to help you out?  Maybe after all the time you've saved their friggin asses not to mention the world, they could pitch in a little and help you and the platelet out a bit!  And where the hell is your watcher, he just up and leaves you high and dry, bleedin' prince he is!"

"Spike, stop!  It doesn't work that way, Willow and Xander don't owe me anything and they do help out with Dawn and frankly I am not up to dealing with Giles' hasty departure just yet.  Please don't make this harder."

This was too much.  Why did he have to say those things and give volume to her own petty thoughts on the subject.  It would be nice if they offered monetary help but she truly didn't expect it, hoped for it definitely but didn't expect it.  Stupid Spike anyway.  Always knowing what she was thinking before she knew them herself.  Maybe she talked in her sleep.

Spike lowered his voice and let some of the steam out of his temper as he grasped her upper arms in a gentle grip.

  
"Buffy, we can find another way."

That's it!  "Spike there is no other way and there is no 'WE'.  Drop it!"

She abruptly grabbed her bag and jacket and made with the quick feet to the door, slamming it shut behind her for emphasis.

Spike stood where she had left him yelling after her retreating form, "I could help if you'd just let me!"


	8. Chapter Eight

**Part Eight**

Buffy returned tot he house later that night after spending a long day looking for a job with no success and wanting only to take a long hot bath and eat greasy pizza in that order.  Upon entering the house she was surprised to hear the sound of Tara and Willow talking to Spike in the kitchen.  It was unusual for Tara to come over when Willow was home, she was still trying to deal with the fallout of Willow's addiction and what it will mean to a possible reconciliation.  And talking to Spike?  That was new, mostly everyone tried to avoid talking to him since every word out of his mouth made people uncomfortable.

As she reached the kitchen she heard Tara speak ad she stopped short of the room when she realized that they were talking about her.

"But, Spike, won't Buffy be a-angry that you told us?  She's such a p-private p-person."

"Yeah she will but I don't care, it's doin' her more harm than good keepin' it bottled up inside."

Buffy felt ice traveling through her veins at their words.  Spike had betrayed her.  He had told her friends about hem.  It didn't take long for her rage to gather and burn away the immobility and she felt it surge through her body as if it was a separate entity with one goal in mind.  Making Spike pay for what he had done.

Just then the occupants of the room noticed the slayer standing in the doorway and immediately Willow and Tara both adopted looks of identical guilt.  Willow was about to open her mouth to explain what they were discussing but noticed that Buffy wasn't even looking at the two witches.  Her vengeful stare was directed at Spike and Willow had a bad feeling that things were about to get ugly and she felt the inexplicable urge to protect the vampire.  This slayer was on that Willow had never seen before and she had to admit it was terrifying.

Spike had been leaning forward on the kitchen island talking to the witches when Buffy entered and he now pulled himself up to his full height knowing that he was in trouble.  Fully aware of the rage directed at him he decided against trying to talk his way around her wrath and settled an expression of acceptance on his features.  This would not end well for him.

Without a word, Buffy moved to stand in front of the platinum vampire and looked him directly in the eyes as she spoke, "You are so pathetic, Spike."  Even though the words were quiet there was no mistaking the venom in her voice and still he remained uncharacteristically closed mouthed.

"I told you that I didn't want my friends to know and you just couldn't resist bragging about how you bagged another slayer!  So, was this the big plan?  Knowing you couldn't actually kill me you decided to go for the complete humiliation and degradation instead?   Wait until I'm vulnerable and lacking in judgement, play the strong supportive guy and get me to sleep with you?  Maybe you're not as stupid as you look, Spike.  Maybe.  Well it worked.  I hat myself more now that I ever have and now everyone knows how amazingly disgusting I am to have ever been with you!"

Willow and Tara stood in open-mouthed shock as Buffy's fist connected with Spike's jaw and the vampire fell to the ground.  Buffy pulled him up by the front of his shirt and began to drag him to the front door.

Spike, realizing that Buffy had completely misunderstood what she heard when she arrived, tried to explain.

"Hold up, Slayer!  You-"

"SHUT UP SPIKE!  Don't ever talk to me again!"

Buffy managed to get a struggling Spike out the door where she pushed him with all her slayer strength sending him crashing into the large tree in the front yard.  It took Spike a moment to regain his senses and stand up again and back on his feet he tried once again to straighten things out but she beat him to it.

"Stay away from me Spike.  Stay away from my friends and my sister and my house and anything else that has anything to do with me!  I NEVER want to see you again you worthless piece of shit!  God what was I thinking getting involved with you?  I did come back wrong, because that is the only way you would have ever had a chance with me!  Even a crazy psychotic whore like Druscilla couldn't stand to be with you!"

While her words shredded his heart her fists had been raining blows down on him as he struggled to stay upright, but at her mention of Dru what fight he did have left him and he lumped helplessly back down to the grass allowing her to do her worst.  The physical pain took the edge off of the anguish her words had caused.  He had been a fool, a fool to believe that he had ever really wanted to be with him.  In his fevered imaginings he had seen them as players in a tragic love story, two people with everything against them brought together because eof love.  And it was love at least for him.

Unnoticed by the couple in the yard, Tara and Willow had followed the drama outside and they stood on the front porch alternating between shock at Buffy's revelation and the horror of the abuse they were witnessing.  Willow grabbed Tara's hand impulsively hoping to find comfort and reassurance and she felt Tara's hand squeeze hers in response.  How had this happened and why?  Willow felt that she needed to do _something._

"I have to stop her and explain, Tara, I think she's really hurting him."  Willow turned her watery eyes away from the scene in the yard to look at the blond standing beside her.

"No, Will, you can't.  This is something that is between the two of them and I think it's been building to an inevitability for awhile now."  Tara had not once taken her stricken gaze away from the couple forcing herself to watch and listen so that maybe she could find a way to help.  "Besides Will, you might get hurt.  I don't think Buffy's in control of herself right now."

The red haze that had settled over her had finally begun to dissipate and Buffy could see that Spike was not fighting back and this served to refuel her anger.

"GET UP SPIKE!"  A mortal man would be dead now and she forced herself to push aside the horror she felt at seeing what she was capable of. 

"Buffy, please, I love you.  Please let me explain."  Spike knew it was futile but he had to try, he had to find a way to make this right.

**Threw you the obvious**

**And you flew with it on your back**

**A name in your recollection**

**Down among a million, say:**

**Difficult enough to feel a little bit**

**Disappointed, passed over.**

**When I've looked right through**

**To see you naked and oblivious**

**And you don't see me**

Spike saw the fear seep into her eyes, not fear of him but of what she had done to him with her anger.  The explosion of hostility that had culminated into this beating had not been under her control, she had been as much of a bystander as he had.  He knew she saw this a further proof of her descent into the darkness and he ached for her. In the beginning he was only trying to love her and be close to her but he wondered if somehow he was cursed to bring destruction down on this woman that he loved. 

**Well I threw you the obvious**

**Just to see if there's more behind the **

**Eyes of a fallen angel**

**Eyes of a tragedy**

"Why do you keep saying that!  I don't believe you, I never have.  Yeah maybe for a minute I allowed myself to wonder if it was true but I know better now.  You are everything that is wrong in my world, you can never be normal!  And for the record, I will _never love you."_

**Here I am expecting just a little bit **

**Too much from the wounded **

**But I see**

**See through it all**

**See through **

**And see you**

Spike felt desperate and more alone than he ever had been.  He had allowed himself to wrap up all his hoped and dreams in her and now he was lost.

  
"I do love you, I wish that I didn't but I do!  I only wanted to be with you.  I could even have gone on without you loving me if only I could be with you.  I have tried to change, I have tried to be whatever it is you wanted but I'm not normal and I can't ever be that, not even for you."  Unable to stop them the tears flowed from his pain dulled eyes.  It was inevitable really, this moment he had hoped would never happen.  The truth laid bare for all to see if they were pay attention.

**So I threw you the obvious**

**Do you see what occurs behind the **

**Eyes of a fallen angel**

**Eyes of a tragedy**

Spike managed to stand despite the physical and emotional injuries inflicted on him and with his last burst of strength grabbed her by the upper arms and spun her around so she was the one backed against the tree.

**Well, oh well**

**Apparently nothing**

**Apparently nothing at all**

Taking advantage of her shock he spoke to her for possibly the last time of the truth as he saw it. 

"You exhaust me, Buffy."  He grabbed hold of her chin forcing her to look into his eyes.  "As usual you don't understand anything but I just can't fight you anymore so I'll leave but hear me now.  You are not normal, you never will be.  This life you have is as much an anathema as a blessing and until you find a way to accept hat you are in for a lot more hurt than I ever could have caused you.  Life is messy and love is messier but it is possible to be happy if you let yourself enjoy what is right in front of you without looking for some happily ever after down the road.  I know you don't want to hear this anymore and I can't says I blame you but I do love you no matter what you believe and I would never have left you, never."

**You don't**

**You don't see me**

**You don't **

**You don't **

**You don't see me **

Spike was still holding Buffy's arms but there was no real power behind it and she could have easily broken his hold on her if she wanted to.  But for some reason she kept her gaze focused on this and listened to him for the last time.

"No matter what you think you know, this, us was never about me trying to find a way of bringing down the slayer.  I stupidly believed that together we could be stronger, able to heal one another."  The naked pain in his eyes was too much for her and she allowed her head to hang.  Buffy felt his hands drop and still she did not look up.

After a few moments had passed she finally raised her head to stare at the empty air in front of her where Spike had been standing.  Buffy didn't need to turn her head to see if she was leaving because she could feel him walking away from her. 

**You don't **

**You don't **

**You don't see me**

**You don't **

**You don't **

**You don't see me at all**

Slowly she turned and made her way back inside, not sparing a glance at the two women still standing on the porch. 

Willow pivoted to face Tara confusion and anxiety written clearly on her face, still feeling as if they should do something.

"I need to talk to Spike."  She had been unaware of her desire to see him until the moment the words left her mouth, but instantly recognizing the rightness of it.  She had seen something in Spike's face and she wanted to talk to him about it.

"Do you think that's wise?  I-I mean, is this the best time?"  Tara was concerned for her love wondering what Spike could do in his current state.

"It will be okay, he can't hurt me, he won't."  Suddenly Willow began to think back to the past couple of years that Spike had been around, chipped and reluctant.

There was no question that he hadn't intended to help them or become a part of their small band of warriors, but eventually it became expected that he would be there when needed.  Sure, he was ungracious and cocky, insulting and arrogant but there was never any real heat behind it.  That was just Spike.  He wasn't polite and gentle like Angel, he wasn't cool and composed like Oz, he was who he was. Spike.  Able to peel back the layers of bullshit and extract the truth out of any situation.

Each person in their group brought special talents and gifts to it and Spike was no exception.  Did he deserve the benefits inherent to working as a team?  Willow was conflicted but certain that he had never received any at least not from her or Xander or Giles.  Dawn loved him and maybe because of her youth, her feelings were disregarded as immature and impulsive when maybe she had been the only one able to truly see Spike past the prejudices and bad blood. 

Spike had a long way to go if he was looking for redemption but Willow didn't think redemption was what he wanted.  Maybe all he wanted was acceptance and the occasional kind word.  She was starting to get a headache and she hadn't even spoken to him yet.

Suddenly realizing that this was the most time she had spent with Tara since their break up, Willow began to feel the awkwardness of the situation.  "T-Tara, I have to go.  Can you stay in case Buffy…"

"Um, yeah."  Tara nodded her head and both witches stepped back into the house.

Half an hour later Willow was walking through the cemetery towards Spike's crypt feeling more than a little trepidation wondering if she should turn back and just forget about the whole thing.  A few feet from the crypt she stopped and almost did just that before firming her resolve.  If she didn't do this now she might never do it and she would always wonder if her suspicions were true. 

Walking the last few steps to the door Willow knocked startled at how loud it sounded in the quiet graveyard.  When no answer was forthcoming she began to wonder if Spike had even come back here after the incident at the Summers home.  Taking a deep breath she grasped the knob and turned it walking inside the mausoleum hoping to find some clue as to Spike's whereabouts.  What she hadn't expected was to find him slumped on the bier smoking and looking directly at her.

"Oh!  Um, I didn't think you were here since you, uh, didn't answer when I knocked."  She was met with stony silence from the vampire.

A flush began to spread across her cheeks when he just sat there and stared, making no attempt to find out why she had come.  Standing only a couple of feet away from him she could see that one if his eyes was swollen shut and bruising had begun to show in random patterns across his face.

"So, didya come here to stake me?"  Spike's voice was flat and devoid of emotion. 

"Huh?"

Spike gestured to the stake she was absently tapping against her let. "Oh, this."  Willow forced a small laugh, "No.  Walking alone after dark in Sunnydale for us non-superhero types requires a means of protecting one's self."

Spike's only response was a non-committal shrug.

Willow was about to launch into a lengthy oratory when she noticed the duffel bad lying on the floor at Spike's feet.  "A-Are you going somewhere?"  Spike shrugged again.

"Permanently or just until things cool down between you and Buffy?"  At the thought of Spike leaving Willow felt a little sad.  What would it be like not having him around?  How would Buffy feel about it?

"Why are you here?"  Spike wasn't about to tell the former hacker anything.  He just wanted to be left alone.

"I guess I wanted to tell you that I-I'm sorry.  A-About what happened…earlier.  I suppose that I never believed you loved her either.  It seemed beyond bizarre that a vampire could love but looking back I realized that I was wrong.  We all were.  Well everyone except Dawn."  Willow paused to see what effect if any her words were having but the closed countenance of his face never changed.

"Look, Spike, Buffy was wrong to do what she did but she is so unhappy and confused right now and I don't know what to do.  How long…the two of you…uh…?"  Willow couldn't' seem to form a complete sentence.

"None of yer business now is it, pet."

"This is coming out all wrong.  I am not trying to pry of the sake of cheap thrills.  I only want to understand what has been happening with her so that I can help."

Spike was starting to feel irritation at the girl.  "Maybe ya shoulda paid attention when she was so miserable she couldn't sleep or eat.  Instead of bringing her back and telling her to get back to business as usual you and yer pals should have supported her and helped her reacquaint herself with the life she thought she had left behind."

Willow was taken aback but knew that he was right.  They had all wanted so badly for her to just be the way she used to be before she died, selfishly wanting her back to save them from a world without her.

"Spike, we didn't know…"

"Ya know what?  That excuse is runnin' pretty thing about now.  Ya all said yer sorry's but what did ya _do?  She was drownin' and ya couldn't even send out a life preserver.  Buffy __died, Red.  That's supposed to be permanent so don't try and blame her for bein' all messed up.  Blame yerselves for being selfish, blame me for lovin' her but don't make this her fault."_

"You're defending her?  Aren't you mad at her for what she did to you?"  Willow was completely thrown by his words.  This wasn't going the way she had expected, not that she knew what to expect but still this was not it.  The truth of his words sank in and tears began to gather behind her eyes.

"I'm not goin' to speak about what happened between me and the slayer, I can't."  A shadow of the pain he was trying to hide shifted across his face and he went on, "Help her.  She won't let me and yer the closest one to her.  Tell the Niblet…" He couldn't say the words but she knew.

"I will, I promise."  Willow walked to the door and opened it before turning back to Spike one last time.  "Spike, I hope that you can come back."  She gave him a shaky smile and walked out.

Spike picked up his duffel and left a few minutes later.

**  
  
**


	9. Chapter Nine

**Part Nine**

****

After Willow had left, Tara sat on the couch debating on whether or not she should go to Buffy and talk about he scene in the front year, before deciding to let the slayer be alone for a while.  Buffy had misunderstood what she had heard but she would know that soon enough, right now it was probably best to let her work things out on her own. 

"Where's Willow?"  Tara was startled out of her thoughts by the presence of the slayer standing in front of her.

"S-She went out.  She'll be back s-soon."  A tremulous smile appeared on the girls face as she looked at Buffy.

"Oh."  Buffy stood in front of the witch shifting from one foot tot he other as if trying to decide if she should stay or go.  "I lied to you."

Tara was confused.  "About what, sweetie?"  
  


"Me and him.  That day I told you that there was nothing going on between us and that was a lie."

Tara wasn't sure how she should respond to this.  What exactly did Buffy want?

"I understand why you did it, I think.  Y-You wanted to keep it private."

"Well, yeah, but I also didn't want you all to hate me."  Buffy looked won at the floor finding it difficult to meet Tara's eyes.

"Oh, Buffy.  We could n-never hate you!"  A frown of concern appeared on Tara's brow.

"I only wish that _he hadn't told you guys about it.  I-I was going to stop.  Really.  I was just waiting for him to recover first."_

Tara nodded her head.  "I understand but Buffy?"

"Yeah?"

"Spike didn't tell us about he two of you."

Buffy's eyes flew back up to stare at Tara in confusion.  "What?  Yes he did.  When I came in I heard you guys talking about it in the kitchen."  Panic made her voice crack slightly.

"Buffy did you hear him say that you were sleeping with him?"  Tara was determined that Buffy would hear her and know that Spike hadn't done what she had accused him of and that the beating he received from her was undeserved.

"N-No, but I heard you ask if I would be mad that he told you something.  What else could it be?"  Her eyes pleaded with Tara to tell her that Spike had betrayed her because if he didn't… 

"Spike was talking to us about you looking for a job.  He was determined to find another way to help you and he asked me to come over so that he could talk to Willow and I about an alternative solution that wouldn't involve you having to take another job.  He asked Willow to talk to Xander and Anya since he didn't think that they would be too receptive if he approached them himself.  Buffy, h-he was trying to help you."

Buffy just stared at the other girl unable to thing of what this all meant.

"_No…"_

Buffy held her hands up in front of her looking horrified. What was she supposed to do?  Abruptly she ran out of the room and up the stairs where she threw herself across the bed.

Willow walked into the house and found Tara sitting on the couch reading a book.  Wearily she sat down beside her and let out a sigh.

Tara closed her book and looked at Willow, "H-How did it g-go?"

"Strange.  I wasn't to clear on my reasons for going there in the first place but the things he said really threw me."

"What did he say?"  
  


"Mostly told me that we needed to take care of Buffy, that she wasn't herself.  He said that we'd al let her down and the worst thing is, he's right.  I guess I expected him to be pissed off at her but it was more like he understood and didn't blame her for what happened."  Willow took a deep breath, "I think he's leaving and if he does I doubt that we will ever see him again."

Tara had to admit that she hadn't thought that he would ever leave.  If he were going to it would have been reasonable to thing that he would have left after Buffy jumped from the tower that night.

"Should I try to talk to Buffy?"  A steady throbbing had begun behind the redhead's eyes and she was not looking forward to dealing with this anymore tonight.

"She was looking for you earlier and I told her you had left but not where you had gone.  Will, I told her that Spike hadn't been talking to us about the two of them.  I felt that she had to know that Spike hadn't betrayed her trust that way and now I think it was a mistake to tell her."

"Tara, she had to know.  It just isn't right for her to blame him for something he didn't do."

"But, Willow, you should have seen the l-look on her face.  I felt so bad for her."  Tears were shining in her eyes.

"I think for now we should just give Buffy some space.  Spike's gone and Dawnie will be in L.A. for the rest of the week, maybe she just needs some time to work it out."  A part of Willow wanted to go to Buffy but she would just let it go for now.

"I'm gonna go now, but if she needs anything…"  Tara gathered her belongings and walked out of the house with Willow on her heels.

"Thank you, Tara, it means a lot having you here."  Willow gave the girl a hesitant smile wondering if maybe reconciliation wasn't as impossible as it had seemed just a short time ago.

"Bye."  With a brief wave she was gone.


	10. Chapter Ten

**Part Ten**

****

Dawn was coming home this afternoon and Buffy wasn't sure she was ready for the girl's return.  Somehow everything had gone horribly wrong and she knew that once Dawn discovered what happened she was going to be one very ticked of green energy ball.

Buffy took a deep breath and prepared to face Willow.  She had been avoiding her ever since that night but she wanted to tell her friend not to say anything to Dawn until she'd had the chance to speak with the girl herself. 

Buffy found Willow sitting at the dining room table working on her laptop and noticed that she was looking a little better today than she had since she had quit magic cold turkey.  At least something seemed to be going well.

"Hey, Will, how are things?"  she asked tentatively.

Willow looked over the top of her computer screen to smile brightly at Buffy.  "Hey, Buffy!  Actually I'm feeling a lot better.  Dawnie's coming home today, huh?  I hop things went well for her with your father."

"Me too, for Dawn's sake."  She paused before blurting, "I need to talk to you.  About the other night and…Spike."  As she finished saying it she had flopped down into the chair closest to Willow.

Willow dropped her gaze back to the screen and it took her a moment before she could look at the slayer again.  "Yeah, I kinda wanted to talk to you about that as well, but I thought it would be better to have you come to me."

"Thanks," Buffy said quietly.  "I don't know what to say exactly, I mean it was a really bad scene and now…I don't know."  She found herself at a complete loss for words.

"Buffy, can you just tell me how long this had been going on?  You don't have to if you don't want to but I'd like to try and understand."

Buffy looked down at her hands.  "The first time we had sex was, um, that night that we all stayed out and left Dawn at home with Tara, but honestly I think that it really began after I came back."

"Oh."  Willow remembered coming home that morning with Amy in town and Buffy coming in shortly after them, looking beat up and dazed.

"Will, ever since I came back things have been…strange and the only person who seemed to understand was Spike.  Before I knew it things just got way out of control-I lost control.  I've done some horrible things to Spike, to myself and to all of you but I couldn't seem to stop myself.  It was like I was standing on the sidelines watching myself…fall.  The only time I ever felt connected was when I was with Spike."  Without conscious thought Buffy began to tell Willow all of the things that up until now she had only shared with Spike.

"Being back here after being in…well, you know, it was nearly impossible.  I felt…wrong and out of place, like I didn't belong and I didn't want to either.   All the feelings I once had seemed muted and repressed, like they were out of my reach and I was terrified."  Tears began to well up but she didn't' let them fall.  "And to be honest I was angry at all of you for making me come back here and allowing me to feel the pain of living again."

"Oh, Buffy, I'm so sorry…" Tears cascaded down Willow's pale cheeks.

"Will, let me say this, finally.  Once things between Spike and me escalated, well, the emotions began to resurface but only the anger and pain and without anything to balance them they became intense and frightening.  I felt the blackness begin to eat at my soul and when I reached the point where I thought I was going to lose my mind, I would go to him.  All of the vile, ugly things that built up inside of me I pushed back to Spike, behaving as if he were to blame for everything that was wrong in the world."

Buffy could see that her words were hurting the other girl but once began she had to continue.

"I made him promise not to tell anyone, I just couldn't stand it if you guys knew what I was doing, how low I had sunk.  I was fucking the vampire who tried to kill us all so many times and I was ashamed of myself.  That night when I thought he had told you about us…I freaked.  I was so out of it with rage that all I could think was that he had betrayed me, broken his promise not to speak of this-this thing between us.  By telling you I felt that he had broken everything open, forcing me to face what I had done, to him and everyone else.  God, Willow, I used him, horribly and that isn't the person I was.  I've been used before and it was one of the worst experiences of my life so what kind of monster had I become that I could do this to anyone, even Spike?  I didn't realize that I was hitting him until it was over and I couldn't' believe what I had done.  The look on his face…I was so cruel, Willow.  Why did I do that?"  Putting her hand over her mouth she tried to stifle the sobs that rose in her throat.

"Buffy, I don't know what to say."  She reached over and grabbed Buffy's hand and held on.  "I am so sorry I wasn't there for you, I got lost in my own superego and hurt the people around me but most of all you and Tara.  We took you out of bliss by bringing you back and then left you alone.  Buffy, I can't say that I understand what you have been through  but I know you and you are strong enough to get passed this, I promise.  We can work on it together, I'll help you any way that I can, I swear and Buffy, you're not a monster, don't ever say that again!  The things you've gone through would have broken most people."

Willow leaned over and wrapped her arms around Buffy stroking her heir and offering what strength that she could.

Buffy felt some of the weight lift off her shoulders in response to Willow's words.  She didn't realize until this moment how badly she needed to verbalize how she was feeling and what she had been doing.  The acceptance and friendship Willow offered was a gift that Buffy hadn't thought that she deserved or would receive and she felt gratitude for this girl who was her best friend.

Pulling back from the embrace Buffy took Willow's hands in hers.  "Will, what should I do about Spike?  I know I have to stop seeing him but I was so vicious that night.  I can't just leave things like this."

"Buffy, how do you feel about Spike?"  
  


"I-I don't know but we can't go on like this, it's so fucked up, Will.  Ever since the night I beat him up I kept expecting him to come back around and talk his way back into my bed but he hasn't and it makes me feel…worried.  All I know is that there is an empty place in me that calls out for something more, something that I can't get from him."

"Why?"

"Because he's a vampire!  He can't love, he can't be a normal boyfriend."

"Buffy," Willow hesitated slightly before going on, "don't be angry at me but I went to see Spike that night."  
  


"What?  Why?"  
  


"I felt like I had to.  That night I saw something in his eyes, something that I think had always been there but we all just refused to see it.  I saw humanity, tragic, painful humanity.  It was so strange, Buffy, it was like I was suddenly seeing him in a different light.  For so long he's been the enemy, the Big Bad that when he was forced down from the top of the food chain he became vulnerable and whatever remained of the person he was before the Change was able to show through.  It sounds crazy but after speaking with him I am even more convinced that I'm right about this."

Buffy sat hard on the chair stunned at Willow's pronouncement. 

"What did he say?"

"Actually he wasn't happy to see me that's for sure but when I tried to talk to him about what had happened or what was going on with the two of you he refused to talk about it.  Instead he told me that we had all failed you and that we should have taken care of you and helped you but instead we dumped you back into your life and went on with our own.  He told me to take care of you."

"You have a right to live your own lives, everything doesn't stop just because I'm unhappy."  After what she had done to him Buffy was amazed that Spike could have been so concerned with her.  By all rights he should have been plotting her assassination.

"No, it doesn't but we should have stayed with you and struggled through this together and we didn't.  But we will now."

"I have to see Spike.  I have to talk to him."  Buffy wasn't sure what would happen but she knew she had to go to him and resolve this once and for all.

Willow looked uncomfortable.  "H-He's gone.  I think."

"Gone?  How can he be gone?  Maybe he just left for a couple of days to clear his head like Dawn did."  Buffy looked at the redhead willing her to give her the answer that she wanted to hear.

"Maybe but…" Willow let the words trail off not wanting to upset Buffy anymore than she already was.

"Can you do me a favor and not say anything to Dawn or Xander right now?  At least not until I can get some things straightened out."  Buffy sighted.  "After Dawn gets settled in I'll go to Spike's crypt and check it out.  Even ifhe did leave he is most likely back by now and just laying low."

"Sure, Buffy."  The witch still looked doubtful.  "I don't think that it's my place to say anything and I especially don't want to bring that kind of news to Xander.  His head might explode and this close to the wedding I wouldn't want Anya pissed at me."  Willow smiled and squeezed Buffy's hand.

"Thanks, Will.  I'm gonna go wash my face and make sure that I am presentable when Dawn gets here."

Upstairs in the bathroom Buffy washed all traces of her tears away and carefully reapplied her makeup.  She needed to tread softly around Dawn until things got back to normal and she definitely didn't want the teenager to see that she was upset.

The opening of the front door sounded and lively voices drifted up to Buffy.  Okay, it's now or never.  Smile.  Hug.  Everything would be fine.

Buffy ran down the stairs and saw her sister laughing at something Xander said and Buffy wished that she could see that look on Dawn's face more often.

"Hey, Dawn.  I missed you."  She wrapped her strong arms around her sister and squeezed.

"Whoa!  Human being here.  Need oxygen."

"Oops, sorry.  I'm just glad that you're back home."  Buffy pulled away from Dawn and saw that he girl was smiling.

"I missed you too, Buffy and I am so glad to be back.  Dad is so lame."

"H-He didn't give you a hard time or anything did he?"  Buffy was concerned that their father might have gone all overly parental on Dawn and made her feel bad for staying in Sunnydale instead of going to L.A. permanently.  not that he had ever asked but you can never tell what absentee fathers were thinking or when their guilt would kick up a dust cloud big enough to choke. 

"Not really it was just super boring.  No monsters, demons or vampires.  Nothing.  I guess I missed out little piece of hell on earth."

Just then Willow came in from the dining room and gave Dawn a hesitant smile.  "Hey, Dawnie!  I'm glad your home, it's just not the same without you."

Surprisingly Dawn returned the witch's smile startling the occupants of the room.  "Thanks."

"Hey Buff, you planning on telling me what's been going on around here?"

Xander asked.

"What…what do you mean?  N-Nothing's going on!"  Buffy looked over at Willow who gave a slight shake of her head.

"I'm just wondering if that pesky demon came back for another try at a Buffy-kabob."

  
"Oh…oh…um nope.  Everything's been quiet."  Buffy's smile was overly bright.

"Buffy why are you blushing?"   Anya quizzed.

"Uh, me?  Well I uh it's hot.  Is anyone else hot?"  Buffy shot Willow a pleading look.

"Oh!  I am definitely feeling warm.  In fact the flush is starting to brew under my skin."

"What demon?  Buffy is there something after you?"  Dawn had a panicked look on her face.

Thankful for the reprieve Buffy looked at Dawn.  "Well there was a little trouble but it's not a big, I promise."

"If you're sure…" Dawn desperately needed reassurance.  "Maybe I should go unpack."

Buffy watched Dawn climb the stairs before turning to Xander.  "Can we keep a low profile on the Assassination/Sacrificing the Slayer Club?  Dawn is so high-strung these days I don't want her to have more stress if we can help it."

"Sure, no problem.  I didn't even think.  So no demon, huh? I feel so out of the loop with all this wedding crap going on."

"Crap?"  Anya pouted.  Xander chose not to answer knowing that once they were in the car he would get an earful.

"No and as far as I'm concerned it can stay that way.  Thanks again, guys."  Buffy briefly wondered if it would come back for her after all.  She would love to throw down with it and get a little payback for Spike.

Everyone said their goodbyes and when Xander's car pulled out of the drive Buffy turned back to Willow.  "I'm gonna go…"

"Yeah, sure.  Hey Buffy, did you notice?  Dawnie spoke to me and even smiled.  Isn't that great?  Maybe she'll be able to forgive me."

"Yeah, that's great Will."  Buffy gave Willow a one armed hug and yelled up to her sister.  "Dawn!  I have to run out for a few, I won't be long.  When I get back the three of us can have a nice dinner, kay?"

"Kay, Buffy!"

Buffy was almost out the door when Dawn came running down stairs.  "Buffy, wait!"

"What is it, Dawn?"  
  


"I almost forgot.  Dad gave me this."  Noting the girl's excitement Buffy grabbed the piece of paper that Dawn was waving around.

Shocked Buffy could only stare at it before looking at Dawn.  "For real?"  
  


It was a check.  Their father had sent a check back with Dawn for fifteen thousand dollars.  This was too good to be true.  Buffy would be able to postpone getting a crappy job for at least a few months.

"Yes, isn't it wonderful?  Dad said he would help out as much as he could."  Dawn was wearing a huge smile.  "Can we go out to a restaurant for dinner tonight, Buffy, please?"

"Oh definitely.  I really have to go if I want to make it to the bank before they close.  Tell Willow about dinner and I'll be back as soon as I can."

Buffy was overwhelmed at how much relief she felt and what a good day she was having.  Now if only she could clear the air with Spike things might get back on track.

As she traced the familiar path to Spike's crypt through the cemetery Buffy tried to imagine what Sunnydale would be like without him around.  Pretty much the same probably only a lot less…interesting.  Spike had a way,  a mostly irritating and infuriating way but at least it was never dull.

There was a heaviness in the pit of her stomach as she approached the crypt for once unsure of what she would find there.  Standing in front of the door she discovered she was reluctant to go inside.  What if he was really gone?  How would she feel about that?

Pushing the door open and standing inside she knew.  He was gone.  Spike had left.  When he was around the air crackled with electricity and the room seemed to vibrate with his presence.  Now it felt empty and hollow.

Silently she stood inside the room as the despair began to creep over her. She had done this, she had succeeded in pushing him away from her.  Wasn't this what she had been wanting?  Spike's departure should have made her feel better because wasn't he the reason she was so…wrong?  Instead of relief she felt lost and set adrift once more alone and dispirited. 

Tears began to fall soundlessly down the soft slope of her cheeks.  It was over and she couldn't even blame anyone else for the sudden aching in her soul.

Looking around Buffy allowed the memories of their times spent together wash over her.  How many times had she looked into this penetrating gaze and denied what she saw in their poignant depths?  The constant hope that she might return his feelings tempered with the knowledge that she would never allow herself to look at him with love in her eyes.  Every touch, every move had been for her and her alone.  When she came to him he did everything he could to ensure that she was satisfied and taken car of.

Hindsight showed Buffy the bittersweet truth that Spike had tried so hard to expose.  He had loved her.  No matter how much this turned the world she lived in upside down it was true.  It was simple and basic and maybe completely messed up, but there it was.  And in her raging denial she had finally beaten him so far down that he'd had to leave.

Buffy wondered if he would ever come back.


	11. Chapter Eleven

Special thanks to those of you who have taken the time to review my story.  I think I love you…**BG**

****

**Part Eleven**

****

Spike wasn't sure how much time had passed since he'd driven hell bent for leather from the Welcome to Sunnydale sign, days maybe weeks.  He didn't know and he didn't really care.  All he wanted was to get away from her and them and everything.

Most of his nights were spent in one demon dive bar after another drowning his despair in booze and bar fights, his days spent in abandoned warehouses or buildings trying to sleep and failing miserably.   There was no carefully thought out plans of where he wanted to go or what he wanted to do but the time would come for those decisions to be made and he was dreading it.

One night while Spike was once again feeding his sorrow tequila shots in a seedy beer garden in San Francisco he heard a name spoken by a one-eyed Aclop demon sitting two stools down.  Attempting to shake off the tequila fallout, he tried to focus his attention on the words the demon was speaking to his companion, a demon Spike had never seen before.

"…killed a bunch of lawyers.  Humans.  The LA crowd was hoping that this was the end of his vigilante days but I narrowly escaped being one of Angel's victims…"

Angel.  His big…grand-sire or…whatever.  Clearly remembering the events of his last sojourn to LA Spike decided to pay his long lost whatever a visit anyway.

It ended up taking Spike a couple of nights to actually reach LA and another night shaking the location of Angel's new digs from a few vamps but he had made it and now he was standing in the shadows across the street from the Hyperion. 

Wondering if this was another installment of his self-destructive phase Spike hesitated.  Angel would definitely want a little payback for the damage that Spike had caused and Spike couldn't count on past loyalties to get him anywhere.  Dru had managed to impart the story of her burns to him when she had come back to Sunnydale the last time so obviously the poof wasn't above killing his own family.

Oh, what the fuck.  If he kills me, fine.  If he doesn't well…who knew.

Crossing the dark street Spike affected his typical arrogant swagger, the one that said I DARE YOU in big bold letters.  Approaching the entrance to the hotel Spike pushed through the doors without a moment's hesitation.

Standing in the foyer he was a little disappointed that no one was around to notice his grand entrance.  Where the hell was everybody?  
  


"Well now that's a bugger, innit?"  
  


While Spike was pondering this next move he failed to notice the arrival of the only occupant of the hotel at the moment.

"And how can I help you tall, cool and scrumptious?"

Spike pivoted sharply to face the voice and was a little startled to find an extremely tall, extremely green demon in a lilac leisure suit staring back at him.  There was a brief pause where Spike found himself at a momentary loss for words but then he found them again.

"Who the hell are you?"

"My aren't we grumpy this evening.  Wake up on the wrong side of the coffin, did we?"  The demon seemed unfazed by Spike's belligerence. 

"Nevermind.  Where's Angel?"  Spike didn't like the way this guy was looking at him almost like he was trying to read his mind or something.  Right creepy it was.

"Angel is indisposed at the moment but if you want to leave your name…"

"Nope.  I'll wait."  Now that he was here Spike had no intention of leaving until he had seen his poofy grand-sire.

"Uh-huh…well there really is no telling when Angel will return so you might have a long wait.  Hey do I know you?"  The penetrating eyes had turned quizzical.

Spike gave a laconic shrug giving nothing away.  He had decided that he didn't want to talk to this freak anymore so instead he sat down on the round couch in the foyer and lit a smoke.

"Let's see.  A vampire arrives unexpectedly wanting to talk to Angel.  This brash creature is rude and uncommunicative, smokes, wears a brilliant leather duster and bleaches…Oh," Lorne began to chuckle, "you must be Spike."

Remaining silent Spike sent the demon a piercing glare that might have been intimidating if Lorne wasn't used to Angel giving him those same looks on occasion.  

Spike wondered what had been said about him but decided to contain his curiosity for the moment.  Let the wanker draw whatever conclusions he wanted.

"I'm Lorne by the way, I'm a friend of the um, gang."  He thrust out his vivid green hand to Spike who just looked at it in disgust.

Pulling his hand back Lorne didn't look the slightest bit phased by the rebuff.

"Right.  You vampire, all Child of the Dark and such.  Oh, honey, this is going to be fun.  We could all use a little pick-me-up these days.  So tell me, what's it really like in Sunnydale?  Better yet, sing for me."

Spike abandoned his silence.  "What?  You want _me to sing for __you?  Are you out of your bloody mind?"_

"Sweetie, you have no idea.  Come on, just one verse or even just one line."  A decidedly devious glint entered the demon's eyes.  "Angel does it all the time you know."

"Angel, ya say.  Doesn't really surprise me that Gel-Boy would spend his time singin' you lullaby's."   Spike chuckled snidely.

Arching a brow a the vampire Lorne said, "Actually he's very good."  Oh, Powers, forgive him this lie.

"Good?"  Spike was incredulous.  "I lived with the bloke for a hundred years, he'd scare a deaf person with that voice."

"You haven't heard him recently.  It's very funny actually because we had a similar conversation about you.  He was saying how you were always going about singing and Angel said that your voice was simply horrid."  Lorne affected a sympathetic look.

"Humph!"  Fine.

**The world is a vampire.**

Lorne's face screwed up in mild distaste.  "You, my little cool whipped topping, get no extra points for originality."

Spike was beginning to understand Buffy's dislike of his little pet names.

"Hey! It's the only thing I could think of on such short notice." That wasn't too defensive what it?  Not that it mattered what the jolly green giant thought of him anyhow.

"Ya know, I have got to meet this girl!  She's fabulous!"  Lorne was mostly talking to himself but Spike heard.

"What, huh, what?  Girl?  I think I lost ya, mate."

"Oh, sorry.  I meant the slayer.  She's brilliant, very innovative.  The beautiful Buffy has found more than one way to slay a vampire."

Spike was starting to get angry.  No one insulted the slayer.  Well no one but him and maybe Dawn but definitely not anyone else.  With quick vampire dexterity Spike latched onto Lorne's shirtfront and raised him slightly off the ground.

"Hold on now, cupcake, I'm on your side.  I meant it, I like her."  Spike dropped the demon back to the floor and took a step back, pinning Lorne with suspicious eyes.

"Look, Spike, when people sing it allows me to…read them so to speak.  And let me tell you, there is all kinds of darkness in you."

"Well, duh, vampire here."  Spike was back to smirking.

"No, honey, I don't mean the regular vampire black hole stuff, I'm talking about the heart.  Your slayer is having a rough time to say the least and her survival is ambiguous at this point.  At the risk of sounding cliché, she needs someone to save her and quick.  Here is the last place you should be."

Lorne could see that the vampire was having difficulties following along but sometimes the pictures he received were not quite so clear.  He decided to try again.

"Okay, here it is.  She needs you and you left her so go back to her.  Now."  
  


"The slayer doesn't need me.  Every time I touch her it's a toss up who she hates more, me or herself.  I can't keep hurting her like that and if I go back I can't stay away."  Spike was definitely uncomfortable with this conversation but for the longest time he'd had no one to talk to and he was more than a little embarrassed to find that he wanted to talk, needed it.  "Being with her is like nothing I've ever experienced before and I have been around a long time.  Every time she rejects me I think that there is no way I'll try again and yet that's exactly what I do.  I go back thinking that if I found the right words to say and make an attempt to behave the way she wants me to than she will realize that she has feelings for me too.  But this last time-well, it has to be the last time.  I can't do that to her anymore."

Lorne felt compassion for the vampire even thought he probably shouldn't knowing what he knew about Spike.  When it came down to it he was just another man longing for the love that continues to elude him.  It was moving no matter who played the starring role.

"Dumpling, I can't tell you that she is going to love you and I can't tell you that she isn't.  What I can say is that it isn't over.  Not by a long shot.  There is a lot of history between the two of you.  Both are representing sides for the quintessential battle of good versus evil and I seriously doubt that the universe has seen this particular situation before.  But if you don't' go to her now, she may be lost again."

Decision made Spike jumped up and spun around in vamp face, growling. "If you say anything about this to _him I'll rip you apart."_

Lorne held up his hands.  "Whoa there, big fella, what I read about a person is confidential.  If I went around blabbing to everyone then no one would sing for me."  Besides the last thing Angel needed right now was something else to worry about.

Smoothing his human mask back into place, Spike adopted a less menacing tone of voice.  "It's not for me…"

"I know, crumb cake, no need to explain.  Good luck, you'll need it."

Lorne watched the vampire exit the hotel saying under his breath, "And so will she."

The demon was pondering the unlikelihood of those two working things out when his acute hearing picked up the sound of a baby crying.  "Well back to work."


	12. Chapter Twelve

**Part Twelve**

****

Since Dawn's return from her little retreat she had seemed almost better.  The girl was actually making an effort to mend her strained relationship with Willow and gave the appearance of being a lot more relaxed and cooperative.  Buffy was thinking that maybe she had made the right decision to let Dawn go visit their father.  The money he had given them had gone a long way towards paying the bills and putting food in the pantry so Buffy was able to delay the inevitable for a time and concentrate on calming her own inner demons.

After finding that Spike had left the slayer had done a lot of thinking.  She wasn't really finding any answers to her myriad of questions but was at least feeling strong enough to ask them.  The most amazing thing was that she had found herself beginning to laugh again and smile more.  Small things that most people take for granted but for a girl who had been stuck in emotional inertia it was as sublime as Ben and Jerry's ice cream.

Buffy had yet to speak with Dawn about Spike and was hoping that he would reappear before it became necessary.  But after a few weeks she was beginning to wonder if maybe he was gone for good and she found that this only increased her worry.

"Buffy!"

She realized that Dawn had been trying to get her attention.  "Huh?  Oh sorry, I guess I was lost in thought."

"Either that or you developed a mysterious case of deafness."  Dawn was serious.

  
"Nope, definitely not deaf.  Did you need to talk to me?"

"Well, yeah.  IwaswonderingifIcouldgovisitSpike."  The slayer's little sister rushed the words out and looked at Buffy expecting her to reject the idea immediately.

Buffy sighed and knew that it was time they had a conversation about Spike. Well Dawn's goodwill was nice while it lasted.

"Dawn, I…" This sucks.

"Buffy please," Dawn was pleading with her, "I haven't seen him in so long and I wanted to talk to him about LA and other…stuff.  I promise I'll come home before dark and I won't stay too long.  Please.  He's my friend and I miss him."

Buffy could see that Dawn was genuinely distressed and wanting badly to see the absentee vampire and it made her want to cry.

"Dawn, we need to talk."

"Why?  So you can tell me that I shouldn't be his friend and I can't see him because _you don't like him.  Well that's too damn bad!  I will still be his friend even if I can't see him until I'm eighteen!"  Couldn't fault the girl's loyalty._

"Calm down, Dawn, and listen to me.  Please."

The younger girl took a deep breath and sat down on the living room chair adjacent to the couch.  "Fine but you're not going to change my mind."  
  
"Just listen.  This is really hard for me so just let me get it out before…well responding.  Okay?"  Buffy waited as Dawn nodded her head.

"Well I'm only telling you this because it does effect you.  Spike and I have been involved."  Buffy glanced up to gauge her sister's reaction and was surprised to see none.  "Do you understand what I'm saying Dawn?"

"Not real-oh…oh."  Realization crept over the brunette's face.  "You mean-you and Spike have-OHMYGOD!  Sex?!  You're having sex with Spike.  Wow."

"There's a lot more I have to say so stay with me.  You know that since I've been back I have been…different and for whatever reason I was going to Spike for help.  He was a good friend to me.  He seemed to understand what I was feeling and when he didn't, he didn't feel the need to tell me how I should be feeling.  It was a relief and eventually things escalated."

"Oh, Buffy, that is so romantic."  Dawn had tears in her eyes and the slayer wondered why this was coming out all wrong.

"What?  Romantic?  No, no it was anything but.  Try way wrong. Dead end.  Against the laws of nature.  Any of those apply but not romantic Dawn."

"But isn't that how the best love stories start?  You develop a deep friendship that grows into love?"

Buffy rolled her eyes heavenward.  "Dawn put away the Julia Roberts fantasies and hear what I am saying.  Spike and I are not a couple.  What we are is too weird for any label and I know that he says that he loves me but I can't accept that."

"Why not?"

"Because he's a vampire!  Dawn have you forgotten what I do, what we all fight against every day of our lives on the Hellmouth?  This is not fun and games this is serious and Spike represents all things evil.   He is a vampire and he is evil.  Okay, de-clawed evil but still evil. If the monsters start having real feeling where does that leave us?  When I look at Spike I see every lost battle, every death I wasn't able to prevent.  I feel diminished when I look into his eyes and see all of the feelings he has for me and I hate it, I hate myself.  Dawn, I want to be okay again, I want to be the person I was before I died and I can't do that when I'm with him.  I just can't.  I tried to be civil, for you because I know how much his friendship means to you but everything went wrong."

Taking a deep breath Buffy told Dawn about the night she beat Spike in the front yard and was amazed at the amount of pain and regret this caused her.  No, it was more than regret it was a whole world of hurt and desolation and pure agony.  And to the slayer it was incomprehensible.

Buffy was expecting Dawn to lose it but was surprised when Dawn remained silent.  Tears coursed down her pink cheeks, as she looked down at her feet.  After Buffy was finished telling Dawn about Spike having left she waited for the girl to say something.

Finally Dawn looked up at Buffy and said quietly, "I feel sorry for you, Buffy."  And with those parting words echoing after her she left Buffy alone sitting on the couch sad and confused.

Not fully understanding what her sister was saying Buffy decided to seek out Willow and get her opinion.  As she got up the phone rang.

"Hello?"

"Yes, um, Buffy hello."  Crap.  Giles.  So much for the avoidance plan.  Since he had left Buffy and refused to take any of his calls or acknowledge the letters he sent.  He had walked out of her life when she needed him the most and she was a long way away from forgiveness.

"Giles."  Her tone was pure ice and on the other end of the line Giles held back a sigh.

  
"Buffy, I-I was hoping you'd answer.  I need to know that you're alright."

"You need…whatever.  I'm just dandy, thanks for calling but I have to go now.  Goodbye."

"Buffy, please talk to me.  I'm concerned."

"Look, if you want to know how I am doing than I'm the last person you should ask.  Everyone but me seems to have a theory as to what's going on in Buffy's head.  Or better yet, Giles, just forget about me.  You've moved on and, ya know what?  that's what I am trying to do and you calling me and making me think about all of the people who have left me in the past six years is not helping me at all!  I man, what is that?  Buffy isn't perfect enough for you anymore so you leave?  Was I not getting it fast enough for you?  Yes my sister needs me and yes the oblivious masses in Sunnydale need me but what about what I need?  When does that rate on the scale?"

The sound of Buffy's sobs carried up to Dawn's room making her stomach clench in empathy.  Wiping her own tears she went to her sister and found her slumped on the floor clutching the phone in a white-knuckled fist, tears marring her pale cheeks.  Walking over to Buffy, Dawn sat next to her hoping her presence would offer some comfort.

"Oh, Buffy, I am more sorry than I can say.  I made the only decision I could and I hope that one day you can understand.  Leaving you and Dawn was the most difficult thing I have ever had to do but my being there was not what you needed."  
  


"Please, Giles, tell me what I need.  Tell me how to feel and how to act because I can't figure it out on my own.  All I seem to do I hurt the few people I have left and if I don't figure this out they'll leave me too.  Please, Giles, I don't want to be alone."

Giles heart was breaking as he listened to her plead with him to solve her problems and once again he felt helpless.  What had become of his slayer?

"I wish I could give you the answers but I don't have them to give.  Know that I-I love you Buffy and my leaving had nothing to do with you not being perfect or lacking in any way.  Please believe that.  You are the strongest woman I have ever known and you will make the right choices in the end.  You will understand what it is you need and how to get it.  You have to stop fighting yourself and know that no matter what you will do the right thing."  
  


"How do I know what that is?"

"You'll know.  You've always known you're just afraid of what it could mean."

"Giles, what if the things I want are different than what others want me to have or what I used to think I wanted?"

"Buffy, stop this, right now!  All anyone wants is for you to be happy and if they don't understand than bugger them!"

Buffy smiled weakly at his words.  If only it were that easy.  But she felt better, much like her after her conversation with Willow and she was glad that she had spoken with Giles.  After all he was the closest thing she had to a parent right now.

"Giles, I miss you."  
  


"I miss you too.  Now, Buffy, I may not be there but you know that you can call me right?"  
  


"Yeah."

"Then do it."

"Kay, Giles…and thanks."

After disconnecting the line Buffy felt Dawn sitting next to her and she reached out to the younger girl who immediately wrapped her thin arms around Buffy's neck.

"I'm sorry for not helping you Buffy-"

"Dawn, don't.  I never asked for help so how could you know."

"True but I have eyes and I could see you were in pain."

Stroking Dawn's silky hair Buffy thought for a moment before replying.  "Dawn I think that we have both been lost in our own pain and confusion, distancing ourselves from the people we care about most but we can change that.  We can try to talk to each other and love each other no matter what."

Dawn nodded her head and smiled back at Buffy feeling that for the first time since her resurrection things were looking up for their little family.  It seemed that they had fought so hard to go back to the way things had been before and never realized that while they lost themselves in the pas the future had risen to meet them. 


	13. Chapter Thirteen

**Part Thirteen**

****

When in doubt, patrol.  Yup here she was again, walking the same cemetery waiting for the seedier side of the supernatural to make an appearance.  There was one thing a slayer could count on and that was the never-ending supply of demons and boogeymen to choose from.

  
Buffy welcomed the physical exertion that would help her forget the continuous mental strain she had been living with, the kind that no aspirin could relieve.   She had to admit that the haze over her soul was beginning to dissipate and knew that the one part of her still holding on to heaven was finally beginning to accept her renewed role as one of the re-living.  While not overjoyed she was at least feeling calmer.  There was actually potential for resolution to some of the more troubling issues she was dealing with as far and Dawn, Giles and the Scoobs but there was still one thing that Buffy felt needed to be dealt with and it was quite possible that she might never get the chance.  Buffy also had the demon threat hanging over her head.  It made her uncomfortable knowing that at any moment-oops speak of the tri-horned one.

"_Knock and the door shall open."  Buffy quoted from one of her favorite movies.  There really must be something to the whole self-fulfilling prophecy shit._

Buffy crouched into a fighting stance and waited for the inevitable to walk through the shimmery portal and found to her surprise that where there was once a single demon, he had arrived with several friends.

"Oh, how sweet.  You brought reinforcements for little ole me.  Am I blushing because I think I'm blushing."

Faced with four horny demons (hee, hee) Buffy was glad that she had decided on some of her more serious weaponry tonight.  Holding her battleaxe in the ready she called out in a sing song voice, "_Come and get me boys." God what was with the movie quotes tonight?_

As one the demons advanced and with a surge of energy the slayer was off.

She kicked and punched and swung her axe causing damage to the fearsome foursome.  After dispatching two of the demons she felt her strength beginning to flag and wondered if she should just cut her losses and run towards safety  About to head for the trees, Buffy was surprised to see the demon in front of her lose his head.  And by lose his head she meant it was gone, flung to some far corner of the bone yard by the sweeping stroke of a sword.  A very large broadsword to be exact wielded by a ver blonde vampire.

"Wicked."  Buffy was impressed, Spike's timing was perfect.

"Buffy, behind you!"  Spike was running towards her.

Buffy turned in time to see the last demon launch an arrow in her direction.  It was coming at such a high rate of speed Buffy barely had time to swing her arm out and deflect the arrows aim sending it harmlessly into one of the stone monuments. 

"Hey!  You could have killed me, prick!"

Buffy's protest fell on dead ears because Spike had made it to the demon and was currently hacking him to small kibbles and bits.

"Um, Spike?  I think he's dead, or she's dead."

Spike stepped back from the pile of demon chunks at his feet and looked over at her.

"Nice toy.  Where did you get it?" Buffy asked.

"Not that it's any of your business but I got it from a friend."  Not that Angel was a friend and he hadn't actually given the sword to Spike but he wasn't in the mood to argue semantics with the slayer.  Besides he could probably get a nice wad of cash for it on the net.

Buffy sighed.  "No need to get defensive I was just curious."  She walked over to where he was standing and looked down at the demon remains.  "I hope this the end of this particular cult attraction."  
  


Receiving no response from Spike, Buffy looked over to where he was standing to discover that he was no longer standing there.  Swinging her head around she saw him walking in the general direction of his dank crypt.

**Maybe I act on **

**Confused behavior**

**Maybe waves crash**

**Like semi trailer**

**Maybe I'll spend **

**My off time without you**

"Spike!  Wait up!"  Buffy jogged to catch up with the vampire and grabbed his arm to stop him.

Jerking his arm from her grasp Spike stopped but didn't look at her.  "Spike I have to talk to you," Hadn't she already played this scene?  "It's important.  I need to explain a-and apologize, again."

**It seems like we need**

**Our own space**

**And all the time **

**I wasted away**

**I don't feel good **

**Unless you stay**

Spike finally turned to her with a small, tired smile across his lips.  "No, you don't."

"I do.  The way I've treated you is…wrong.  I don't expect you to forgive me, hell I can't even forgive myself, but please don't leave again."

Spike barked out a self-deprecating laugh.  "Already tried that.  Couldn't stay away."

**And all the times**

**I chased you away**

**Simply to catch**

**Back up with**

"When I found out you were gone I felt relieved," she saw the pain flash in his eyes, "but then I realized that I only felt that way because I didn't have to face you and what I had done, what I have been doing to you.  I didn't have to look at the evidence of my own sickness.  I abused you, Spike, in the worst way.  I took advantage of your feelings and used that to punish you."

"I thought you said a demon couldn't possibly have real feelings."

**Your solitude is welcome**

**You attitude is welcome**

"That's what I told myself so that I could deal with you.  So that I didn't have to acknowledge them and what that would mean to me.  Spike, since I have been back my world has been so small and suffocating and the only time I could breath was when I spent time with you so I kept going to you and using you to make me feel better and only succeeded in hurting us both over and over**.  You became my escape and I resented you for that.  I wondered why did it have to be you, why not my friends or my sister or anyone but you."**

**All you see is red lights **

**Behind me**

**Maybe this isn't **

**What you wanted baby**

**I don't blame **

**You falling backwards**

**No one's ever quite**

**Confused you this way**

Buffy looked into Spike's sharp blue eyes and found them full of sadness and understanding and it broke her heart, neither one noticing that a light rain had begun to fall.

**And all this time**

**We wasted away**

**We don't feel good**

**Unless we're gray**

**And all the times**

**I chased you away**

**I simply don't feel good**

"I kept us a secret because I was too ashamed to admit that I didn't want help from anyone I only wanted to forget and push it all away hoping that all of the chaos inside me would just disappear if I could ignore it hard enough.  But it didn't and it only made me angrier at everyone and everything but especially at myself."  Her tears had begun to mix with the rain that fell gently on her face.

"After I blew the lid off of the secret and you left, I was denied my escape and forced to deal with the aftermath and I was able to discover that I want to live, that I want to be involved in the lives of the people I care about.  So I wanted to thank you and tell you that everything you have done for me really meant something."

**Your solitude is welcome**

**Your attitude is welcome**

Spike reached out a hand to lightly caress her damp hair and looked into her eyes that for once shone with honesty.  He fought down the urge to ask her what role he could play in her uncertain future and smiled at her instead.  "Knew ya'd figure it out eventually.  Well I gotta run I forgot to take the blood out of the fridge before I left and it's probably gone wonky on me."

Spike dropped his hand from her hair and turned to resume his trek back to the crypt when Buffy stopped him again.

  
"Spike there's something else.  When I told you I could never love you-I lied."

**All this time**

**We heard alarms**

**Come to find **

**We fell apart**

Spike wished he could rewind the tape to hear her say it again because he was afraid he might be hallucinating. "Uh, repeater."

"I lied when I said I could never love you.  I mean I'm not saying that I do, love you that is but I don't think it's impossible."  Buffy cursed the flush she felt stealing up her fair skin and wondered if it was dark enough to disguise her embarrassment.

**This whoe thing has**

**Crashed down**

**Crashed down**

**All this time**

**We heard alarms**

"I finally figured out that normal isn't my reality, it belongs in a fairytale so I'm giving up the search.  Spike, I don't know what is going to happen but I know that I won't be HappyBuffy overnight and what I wanted to tell you is that, well, no matter what happened between us you have been my friend and I don't want to loose that.  It's nice having someone to watch my back when I'm patrolling and you make me laugh."  Buffy reached out to grab Spike's hand.  "Not to mention we are…compatible and I would like to see where that could lead if you do."

"Compatible?  To say the least, pet."

Spike heard the truth of her words and felt the real force of her emotions.  What she had given him was more than he had ever expected to see from her and he knew that no matter what he would do everything in his power to love her and keep her safe.  Always.

"So, are you gonna leave me hangin'?  I wouldn't blame you at all if you told me to fuck right off and stay the hell away from you."  Buffy was nervous and scared that he would reject her after all the trauma she had put him through.

**Your solitude is welcome**

**Your attitude is welcome**

"Well now, I could do that but I don't want to.  You know I love you and if you want me around I'll take up on your offer but know this.  I will do everything in my power to convince you that we belong together and that there will never be anyone else for you."

"Come on then, walk me home.  I missed you and there is a certain young lady that has been threatening me with bodily harm if she doesn't get to see you soon."

**You are welcome**

The couple walked in the direction of Revello Drive still holding hands.

"Chicks dig me."  
  


"Whatever, perv.  God this epiphany crap can really give a girl a headache."

"Yeah, that and demon spankin'…"

"Hmmmm demon spankin'…"

"Ya know what cures a headache, luv…"

**The End**


End file.
